Some months ago, on a hot winter afternoon, I found myself crawling toward the westbound tollbooth on the Venetian Causeway. The bridge was raised; the only thing moving in the dull orange light was a line of boats up ahead. Bored and hung over, I began fishing around under the…

Burger Sting Filed under: News It can’t feel good to get scolded by a nine-year-old. How about 100 of them? Burger King vice president Steven Grover might feel like he’s been sent to the corner after receiving several dozen handwritten letters of reprimand from children accusing his company of being…

Tobacco Load Filed under: News Last Thursday night, the honchos of more than a dozen local premium cigar makers were gathered in a single smoky room for the first time ever. Nick Perdomo, proprietor of Tabacalera Perdomo, a handmade-cigar shop in Doral, hosted the industry barons, among them the owners…

The June afternoon is surprisingly cool at this secret location in the Everglades. Rich moss and strange plants — strangler figs, palm apples — lace the ghostly gray trunks of cypress trees that stretch from the water to a dense green canopy. Below the high, clear waterline, weird fish dart…

Hate Shack, Not Where It’s At Filed under: Culture Tourists love ’em. So say Miami Beach city officials. But the new, not-entirely-improved lifeguard shacks are making South Beach denizens cringe. Local blog Critical Miami recently lamented the loss of “the great old lifeguard stands” with a photo of out-of-order Art…

Just a few blocks east of where Martin Luther King Boulevard and Le Jeune Road meet, Flamingo Plaza bleeds Hialeah’s gritty sadness. Lusty young men cruise the strip of patriotically themed thrift stores in dented Honda convertibles, whistling at people’s girlfriends. Tired mothers with kids hanging from every limb hustle…

The Go-to Guy for the Gun-Shy Filed under: Flotsam The bulletproof window near the entrance of the Opa-locka Police station features what looks like a poster for a shitty rap concert: Ten hundred-dollar bills fan out to form a backdrop for a thousand-dollar bill, Grover Cleveland’s green mug obscured behind…

Souto Steamed Over Suit Support Filed under: News In their battle to stop Jorge Perez’s luxury condo project on land owned by Mercy Hospital, supporters of Vizcaya have drawn the ire of Miami-Dade County Commissioner Javier Souto. Last week Souto introduced legislation ordering the Vizcaya Museum and Gardens Trust to…

Once upon a time in Cuba, there was a little boy named Anthony Enriquez. When he was just a baby, the family moved to Puerto Rico. Later they came to Miami. It was a nice place. When Anthony turned seventeen, he bought a giant stone eagle that weighed a hundred…

Bazooka Babes Filed under: Culture In a lush field somewhere deep in the heart of Homestead, a gorgeous brunet in a brown bikini lies atop a camouflage tarp, cradling a .50-caliber sniper rifle. The firearm’s muzzle is as long as her deliciously toned, boot-strapped legs. Despite the brutal heat and…

The Changing Tide Ruano Roulette Last week yet another study confirmed that a refugee’s fate in immigration court is determined far more by the political orientation of the presiding judge than the merits of the case. Titled “Refugee Roulette,” the study analyzed 140,000 decisions made by 225 immigration judges from…

In 1651 a tubby little Englishman named Thomas Hobbes rocked the thinking world with his book Leviathan. Hobbes put forward the idea that man’s life was “nasty, brutish, and short.” The only reason primitive dudes finally traded in their beatin’ sticks for butterfly ballots, Hobbes guessed, was fear of a…

Whore Hounds, Unite Filed under: Culture Thank God for the Internet. Should all of South Florida be swallowed up by the sea, scientists 50 years from now will still be able to create a digital map of where to get the best handjobs in Miami. You don’t need a white…

See the World, One Couch at a Time Filed under: Flotsam Want to cross oceans, continents, and cultures, but lack the necessary scratch for a room in a sleazy hostel, let alone a tony hotel? Thousands of financially challenged would-be voyagers have found a way. Enter the Couchsurfing Project: an…

Sweetwater, Florida was founded by a band of Russian circus midgets just before the outbreak of World War II. Hoping to transform their patch of lush swampland into an international midget haven, they threw up a handful of tiny houses and planted vegetables. Floods and wartime belt-tightening put the kibosh…

In the Kids’ Corner Filed Under: News There’s been no shortage of press coverage of the 101 Haitian “migrants” who arrived by sailboat on the shores of Hallandale Beach in March, and who now face potential deportation. But little has been written about the fate of the fourteen children among…

Eleven 40-caliber shell casings lay just beyond the front lawn of the little white house on Service Road. Blood ran like latticework from the street, up the driveway, and pooled in the doorway, where 23-year-old Major Johnson lay dying. His aunt stood back in the darkness of her house, her…

The Plucky Mr. Clucky Filed Under: Bike Blog Local carpenter, handyman, and radical activist Mark Buckley is known for his seven-wheeled creation, dubbed “Frankenbike,” which he built out of used frames and chainlink fencing to use as a kind of mascot for local biking group Critical Mass. But Frankenbike isn’t…

The giant, Rastafarian strip-club bouncer’s long dreads twisted up into a black headwrap. His beard formed a wild thicket of graying hair. A gold tooth mounted with a diamond poked out from under his upper lip, and massive, tattooed forearms emerged from a vest embroidered with the face of Haile…

St. Paddy’s day began well in the nation’s capital. As noontime neared, Irish prime minister Bertie Ahern was preparing to present George W. Bush with a crystal bowl full of shamrocks in the White House press room as an international gesture of friendship, unity, and faith. But the fuzzy, green…

The Livan Is Easy Filed Under: News Livan Hernandez pays rent. It just takes him nearly four years. Back in January of 2003 the former Marlins pitcher (now making $8 million a year with the Arizona Diamondbacks) displayed some behavior that was very unbecoming a Major League Baseball player. At…

Take Us to the Bridge Filed Under: News Following revelations by New Times that a parking lot under the State Road 836 bridge was being used by probation officers as a dumping ground for homeless sex offenders — and that the lot was located within 2500 feet of eight schools,…