Once upon a time there was a romantically bankrupt city called Miami, where chivalry meant holding the door for your hooker, and true love was something you felt for your Mini-Hummer. Once a year, the citizens of this strange land would do their best to seem normal. They would buy each other roses and trinkets made of gold, and then write little notes inside cards shaped like hearts. That occasion was called Valentine's Day.
On that day, many of the natives were confused. There were candles to be lit and nice things to be whispered. So an extremely helpful blogger compiled a list of deep romantic thoughts for the Magic City. Drunk off of love (read: whiskey, straight), she messed up! The unfortunate result: A compilation of really bad romance novel quotes. Here they are, via edmplanet.com:
1. His body was hard -- not hard like Milosevic, the Serbian strongman, but hard like the marble on your shower floor, when you fall and bang your knee.
2. Her embrace made his manhood swell like week-old roadkill on hot asphalt in the Georgia sun.
3. Her breasts heaved like a stormy ocean, and her pointed nipples were like hypodermics washed up on the shore.
4.Her petticoats dropped to the ground, rustling like a cockroach in a sugar bowl.
5. He tore open her blouse like a Publisher's Clearing House letter in which he, and some guy named Steven Bouber from Stockton, California, were potential finalists for the $10 million prize.
6. With each breath, her chest heaved like a bulimic after Thanksgiving dinner.
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7.Then he kissed her, like a butterfly kisses the windshield of a Porsche on the Autobahn.
8. His manhood stood at full attention, stiff and stony like the vice president.
9. Beatrice was on him like a piranha on a corn dog.
10. His chest was her pillow, and oh, did she drool.