You're not a football fan, and you can't even fake it on the biggest sports day of the year. Super Bowl Sunday can be lonely if you don't care about men questionably ramming their heads into one another for money, bragging rights, and rings.
You've tried to sit through the big game with friends and enjoy the commercials, and you might even love halftime performer Justin Timberlake, but you know you could just as easily watch his set on YouTube the next day without sitting through a four-hour game. Not even Donald Trump's vile feud with NFL players is enough to pique your interest.
If you fit this profile, there's no need to resort to watching Netflix by yourself Sunday. From the free pool-party culmination of Wigwood to an all-male burlesque revue to movie screenings and antique-map and thrift fairs, plenty of events will keep you occupied while the rest of the nation watches the ol' sportsball. Here are your five best Super Bowl alternatives.
1. Wigwood cookout and pool party at the Broken Shaker. The queens are back. Last year's Wigwood drag festival at Gramps was so wildly successful that organizers expanded it to a full weekend. The festivities will begin Friday at the Scottish Rite Temple and continue all day Saturday at Gramps. Both are ticketed events, but Sunday you can join some of Miami's top drag talent at a free cookout and pool party at the Broken Shaker. Surprise guest appearances are in store, and all footballs will stay tucked. 1 p.m. Sunday at the Broken Shaker, 2727 Indian Creek Dr., Miami. Admission is free with RSVP via wigwoodmiami.com.
2. Movie screenings at Nite Owl Theater. There's been a lot of conspiracy-driven talk about secret societies in the news, but the only one you really need to follow is Secret Celluloid Society. The film-buff collective has a double feature ready to go Sunday for anyone who wants to feel far removed from game updates. First up will be the 1998 cult classic The Versace Murder, immediately followed by the first installment of the rockumentary trilogy Decline of Western Civilization. 8 p.m. Sunday at Nite Owl Theater, 3930 NE Second Ave., #201, Miami; niteowltheater.com. Tickets cost $10 for each film.
3. International Map Fair at HistoryMiami. It doesn't get any farther from the Super Bowl than a map fair at a history museum. The 25th-annual International Map Fair, the longest-running event of its kind in the world, returns to HistoryMiami all weekend. Drop by Sunday to peruse all of the original antique maps, charts, town plans, and atlases from the 16th Century to present day. Also on display will be the earliest known map of Miami — one of the rarest in the world. You can also check out the real-estate guide map created by George Merrick for Coral Gables in 1922. 10 a.m. Sunday at HistoryMiami, 101 W. Flagler St., Miami; historymiami.org. Tickets cost $5 to $20; discount rates are available for members and students.
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4. Men's Room Boylesque Revue at Kill Your Idol. In a world that's rightfully rethinking the prison of gender roles, burlesque isn't just for the distaff anymore. At Kill Your Idol's Men's Room, it's time for guys to practice the art of the tease, or Boylesque. Rio Chavarro, better known as Rio Dios Mio of the Moon River Cabaret, chosen as New Times' Best Burlesque pick of 2017, will take the helm on a night offering sexy performances by Jaguar Noir, Angel Boy, Edgar Allen Swole, and Coyote Caliente. 10 p.m. Sunday at Kill Your Idol, 222 Española Way, Miami Beach; sub-culture.org/kill-your-idol. Admission is free.
5. Thrifter Market. Anyone who spends Super Bowl Sunday suffering through a seemingly endless stream of conversations about a game they couldn't care less about knows the Super Bowl slog doesn't begin at kickoff; it's an all-day affair. Escape the football monotony and indulge in some retail therapy at the Thrifter Market, beginning at noon in the Wynwood Marketplace. Stay as long as you want — activities and sales will continue till 10 p.m. Noon to 10 p.m. Sunday at 2250 NW Second Ave., Miami. Admission is free via eventbrite.com.