Film & TV

Real Housewives of Miami, Ep. 5: Where Is Elsa?

Last night's episode of Real Housewives of Miami was like freebasing Ambien and glitter. It was half Sand Man-approved snore-fest and half WTF?. Seriously, we're hoping that next week's 90-minute season finale includes wig pulling, table flipping, or Elsa with an electronic cigarette in tow. Hell, we'll even settle for one of the girls chugging a bottle of Tabasco, because this season is in serious need of some spice!

Adrianna ruins Larsa's luncheon/cooking class (which was the BEST luncheon/cooking class taught by a REAL chef who's too good to use a crock pot) by passive aggressively confronting Cristy about crashing Lea's charity gala like a hooker. While Lea and Adrianna attack Cristy, Cristy sits silently like a deer with mousy side-swept bangs in headlights.

After Larsa's (BEST but) RUINED luncheon/cooking class, Larsa yells at Cristy alone in the parking lot for being a pussy. Cristy agrees that she was a pussy then coughs up a hairball.

Alexia doesn't make it to The Biltmore for a fashion show that she and

Cristy are walking in because on her way someone blows a stop sign and

hits Alexia's car. This means Cristy has to walk in the clothes that

Alexia was supposed to wear. This to Cristy is really, really hard

because Alexia's A LOT bigger than her. Like A LOT. In case you don't

understand, Cristy is much, MUCH smaller than Aleixa who is pretty much

a gigantic Amazonian giraffe Sasquatch beast next to Cristy. But in

the end, Cristy pulls it off and walks in Alexia's enormous, most likely size-6 dresses proving that she's not a pussy. She's just


Now let's move on to the phrase that pays this episode: "If you can't see it on my face because of the Botox, I am furious about the wine refrigerator," Marysol Patton said.

Yes! Can we officially declare Marysol our third favorite cast member now (after Elsa and Rick Ross)? How can we not love a housewife who can try if she's not fresh from the doctor and laugh at herself?

This pearl of a quote came courtesy of Marysol's Koopa Troopa lips after her new French husband Philippe moves his "twin brother" -- a bulky, ugly portable wine cellar -- into Marysol's home displaying for all that he's as much of a wino as his mother-in-law, Elsa.

And speaking of Elsa, not only was she sadly missing from Marysol and Philippe's mountain top wedding (because she hates aiRrrrRRrRrplanes), she was missing from this entire episode! We had to wait until Watch What Happens Live! to get our Elsa-fill for the week (which we'll get to in a bit).

But, we suppose her absence was okay because after what we've got to admit was a kind of cute ceremony, Marysol motioned to her wedding bouquet and asked Philippe if he stole the flowers from his neighbor's garden. Elsa was there in spirit!

Now let's get to Lea's motivational speech which she gave to a group of ladies who were transitioning from foster care to a life on their own. Lea gifts the group with nuggets of wisdom like the only people who don't have problems are dead people, she's not Tinkerbell, and if she hadn't broken her arm and missed out on becoming an athlete, she wouldn't have become Madonna.

Now on the cherry of this blog post - Elsa Patton, who we had to begrudgingly wait until 11 p.m. to see on Watch What Happens Live! But it was worth it, not only did they dedicate the entire show to the exquisite creature that is Elsa (and her 1970s gown), but they also showed footage of Elsa on her two-day road trip from Miami to New York, which included a stop at Michelle Obama's (and Oprah's) swimming pool and South Carolina's South of the Border tourist attraction! Elsa hanging around large, cheesy statues of mushrooms and sombreros???? If Adrianna's awkwardly unsexy attempt at learning how to striptease is our visual equivalent of hell, is Elsa at South of the Border what heaven looks like?

Anyway, here's the vital factoids we learned about the radiant goddess, Elsa Patton, tonight:

• She's never had a job. Why should she have a job? She would've stayed in Cuba working for Fidel Castro if she wanted a job.

• Gringos know how to take care of a woman.

• Jews are the best husbands. They have feelings for the family more than the gringo. The gringo knows how to give material things but he just doesn't know how to touch your heart and give you tenderness.

• She likes to shake maracas and sing La Cucaracha.

• She wants Michelle Obama's eyebrows.

• She calls cars "sardine can on wheels."

• Elsa would like Gloria Estefan to be her mother.

• Andy Cohen is still incapable of love.

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Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel