It's time for Burning Man, folks. Burning Man is a weeklong annual hippie circle jerk, held in a Nevada desert, meant to promote "radical self-expression." They also literally burn a wooden effigy.
Yes, Burning Man has become the most popular spectacle of freedom and self-reliance in the United States. Freedom is paramount to the organizers, which is why they created a limited liability company to administer it and why any photos or videos taken at the event must have their copyrights handed over to them. Burning Man's principles include things like a "gift economy," communal efforts, radical self-expression, radical self-reliance, and radical cowabunga, dude.
All in all, it's a great event that awards hippies a full week to radically self-express the shit out of themselves somewhere far, far away from us normals. But how do you know if you're a no-good hippie liberal douche in need of a vacation in a hot-ass desert surrounded by skinny yoga aficionados reeking of patchouli oil? Luckily for you, we've developed a short quiz that will determine how receptive you are to the idea of Burning Man.
1. Do you own a CD from any artists on the Billboard Top 40?
a) Yes! OMG I listen to LMFAO, like, religiously! ROTFL!
b) Um, no, that music is supermainstream and overproduced.
c) I mean, I guess I downloaded a song or two at one point.
d) I do have Ace of Base's hit single "The Sign" on Compact Disc. That's pretty recent.
2. What's the most current news story you can think of right now?
a) Jay-Z didn't clap after Chris Brown's performance at the VMAs! That's, like, the CRAZIEST thing happening right now!
b) NPR ran an interesting piece about the right wing's reluctance to embrace alternative fuels.
c) Hurricane Irene is still pretty big here in the U.S., but Libya is headlining internationally.
The darn funnies were left out of my newspaper again. I'm still awfully
sore about that. I'm going to have a stern talk with my paperboy.
3. What did you name your Prius?
a) I don't drive a Prius.
c) I don't drive a Prius.
d) I don't drive a Prius.
4. What's your favorite website?
a) TMZ, Twitter, Facebook, Perez Hilton, too many to list LOL!
c) I'm still trying to figure out if I should stick with Facebook or move to Google+.
d) Have you heard of the Google?
5. Burning Man?
a) OMG that sounds sooooooooo fun! I can't go this week, but I think I can go next month, if not, then the month after FOR SURE!
b) A self-sustaining community sounds like a great idea. Let me ask my Tumblr readers what they think.
c) I know a guy on Facebook who brings it up every once in a while, but he's kind of an annoying douche, so I don't know.
Ah yes, I read all about Thich Quang Duc and how he lit himself on fire
as a means of protesting persecution. Why do you bring that up?
Tabulate Your Score
If you predominantly chose A:
You'd probably have fun at Burning Man, but to be quite honest, you seem
like the type of person who would have fun at a KKK rally if the robes
were trendy enough.
If you predominantly chose C:
You seem pretty normal and well-adjusted. You're perfectly content
expressing yourself by not spray-painting the word cunt on your chest and
consuming a kilo of peyote in the desert. Burning Man is no place for
muggles like you.
If you predominantly chose D:
Wow. New Times is reaching a demographic where dick pill ads would reign supreme.
If you predominantly chose B:
Congratulations, you're exactly the type of person Burning Man is after! Now go out
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there and unironically pay $300 for a ticket to express yourself freely
in a place where monetary currency is frowned upon.
I guess. I don't know. I've never been.