If you're not familiar with polo, "the sport of kings," picture this: a manicured lawn, an Armani-clad crowd, a hoard of minions waiting on them hand and foot. And the main event: well-coiffed players straddling hulking, sweaty animals, all while wielding long sticks and whacking heavy balls.
Some might say it's a homoerotic rich man's pastime. We might agree.
There might be more sexual innuendo in polo than in any other sport. In the men's competition, you've got effeminate knee-high boots and Village People-esque hardhats. And when the ladies of polo climb into the saddle to ram those balls around, plenty of polo terms take on a whole new meaning.
With the Maserati Miami Beach Polo World Cup kicking off this afternoon, we thought we'd provide a little crib sheet of polo's dirtiest maneuvers. So without further ado, here's your crash course on the sexy lingo.
What it sounds like: "Superman that ho!"
What it actually is: A backhand swing that changes the flow of play by sending the ball in the opposite direction.
What it sounds like: One half of a pervy R. Kelly song.
What it actually is: When a dude rams his pony into an opponent's pony, which might actually be dirtier than that pervy R. Kelly song.
What it sounds like: Chukker? We hardly know her!
What it actually is: A period of polo play, seven and a half minutes in length. Six "chukkers" make a match.
What it sounds like: A blunt, Jersey Shore-style euphemism for doin' it. Also: "knock-in boots."
What it actually is: After the ball crosses one team's back line, the defending team puts it back into play from their own back line. Lots of, uh, back-end action happening here.
What it sounds like: Honestly, any phrase involving the word "pony" is just inherently dirty. Blame Ginuwine.
What it actually is: A well-trained horse with plenty of experience. You could say made ponies have been ridden long and hard.
What it sounds like: A blowjob from Uncle Jesse.
What it actually is: The flat part of the mallet used to pound the ball.
What it sounds like: See above. Anything involving ponies. Seriously.
What it actually is: When a horse makes a play.
What it sounds like: The title to polo-themed porn.
What it actually is: When two riders jostle each other's junk in an attempt to stop an opponent from ball-whacking. Hey, we weren't far off.
We Believe Local Journalism is Critical to the Life of a City
Engaging with our readers is essential to Miami New Times's mission. Make a financial contribution or sign up for a newsletter, and help us keep telling Miami's stories with no paywalls.
Support Our Journalism
Stick and ball
What it sounds like: Too easy.
What it actually is: Personal practice time. Too easy.
What it sounds like: Seriously, guys -- too easy.
What it actually is: Whacking the ball behind and under the pony's rear view.
If this cheat sheet to dirty polo lingo has piqued your interest (or any other elements of your anatomy), you can further your polo education this weekend at the main event. Attendees can take in various matches, enjoy a pony parade, and generally bask in the warm glow of wealth and privilege. The frolic starts today at 10:30 a.m., and runs through Sunday on the beach behind the Setai. General admission is free.