Miami Artist Aholsniffsglue Hospitalized After Hit And Run in MiMo

According to the Florida Department of Highway Safety and Motor Vehicles, last year in Miami-Dade there were 15,229 hit and runs.

The latest victim, local artist Aholsniffsglue, was run down and left for dead by a "pale faced, orange-haired old lady in a gold '90s car" near Dogma at 71st and Biscayne, the artist told New Times yesterday.

Before speeding off into the rainy night, the driver opened her door and looked at his crumpled body on the pavement. Thanks to that, Ahol got a good enough look at her to draw up a sketch of the dastardly culprit.

Let's deliver her to justice.

Commence Operation: Catchabitch

"It was a white, pale-faced lady," Ahol reported. "She reminded me of a fuckin' old, bassed-out lady that was either fucked up or looking for trouble or up to no

good. She was definitely up to no good or freaked out and didn't have a

license. I was yelling, like, 'Dude, help me please,' and she

just dipped."

Ahol also remembers details of the getaway vehicle: "There was damage on the front bumper and the wheel well of her car. You can tell she hit something by the black plastic hanging down. It was a gold/brown colored kind of car. Like a coupe from the '90s."

It's a long shot, but Ahol's asking for help in tracking down his assailant. "I

just want the lady to get caught," he said. "That bitch would have left me there

dying. I have to eat the cost on the medical shit...I don't know dude, she fucked up. Whether she's an old bitch or not, she should get in trouble."


Here's Ahol's version of the incident:

"I got out of work at 9, and I was heading south on Biscayne. It was raining, and I had the green light at 71st. This lady was stopped at the light facing north on Biscayne, waiting to make a left onto 71st. I don't know if it was cause it was raining and it was an old lady, but as soon as I was going past she just drove into me."

"The car's bumper was over me and the scooter was on my leg, and she backed up and it pushed the scooter off me, and she opened the door...I could swear she stuck her head out and said, 'sorry,' then she drove off.

"I got up and tried to make a phone call, but the touch screen on my phone wouldn't work because it was wet. Some dude stopped and I was pointing at the lady dipping. He called the cops, described her and the car and shit, and helped me out. I think his name was Brandon.

"Some white girl named Holly walked me over to Dogma and poured water on my leg, and they helped me get all my belongings.

"The cop was mad not-helpful and shit, but then the ambulance came, and they were all mad down. I didn't wanna go on the ambulance cause I don't have insurance and shit, but they were like 'Yo, you could really be fucked up and not know it.'

"We went to Jackson and they cut all my clothes open and did all these tests and said I have some circulation thing with my legs. They said that for how bad the scooter was that I was mad fortunate to be okay."

"I was there in a bad a hit and run. Clearly I wasn't dead, but the cop, he took my drivers license and was like, 'Do you have insurance?' I said, 'Well, it's a 50cc scooter, you don't need insurance.'

"He asked a couple questions, but it seemed like he didn't pay attention. I do wanna give a shout out to the Jackson Memorial Hospital staff and the ambulance drivers and my friends and family that came through."

Anybody with information on an old, white, orange haired lady driving a gold colored car from the '90s with front end damage in the upper eastside area, leave a comment.

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Jacob Katel
Contact: Jacob Katel