How was your weekend, Miami? Well, not to humble-brag or whatever, but we atMiami New Times
, or shall we say"Meowmi" New Times
, had a fucking awesome weekend.
Our staff totally killed the court Sunday, taking home the totally panty-dropping title of "Most Arbitrarily Cultural" at the O, Miami Resurrection Basketball Tournament .(Get it? Because Jesus dribbles for Easter.) A special congrats is in order for our team of unstoppable superstars.
"There were four of us on the roster: the svelte Michael E. Miller, the sly Tim Elfrink, the acrobatic Devin Floyd, and me, the tabby-in-the-key, S. Pajot," our music editor said, and yes, they did wear kitty gear.
"Basically, we decided to adopt that superfierce team name, because managing editor Mr. Elfrink insisted that we all wear children's pussycat hats on the court," Pajot said. "Obviously, being music editor, I know where to find feline tees in bulk."
Taking the top spot wasn't easy. Meowmi New Times had to face three of nine competitors, each team representing a local cultural institution. We bested the Front Yard Bronies (who were indeed dressed like human ponies) 9-6, destroyed the Gutter Films' 3 Fat Js 9-4, and took it all the way home with a white-knuckle 9-8 fight to the finish against Borscht Corp. Perhaps they could have taken us if their coach, Mastermind 2014 winner Julin Yuri Rodriguez, wasn't getting so sloppy-drunk on the sidelines.
"There was much mewing and hissing, and even some scratching, especially in the championship game with Borsht Corp," Pajot said. "But there wasn't too much blood spilled, and no one lost an ear."
Though New Times staffers are pretty skilled players, managing editor and recent George Polk Award recipient Elfrink knows how to give credit when it's due.
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"It was a glorious victory," he said. "But I have to be honest. We did have a pickup who was instrumental in winning: our friend Devin, who works for Educate Tomorrow, whose team didn't show up. So I don't want to do too much trash-talking. Then again, Borsht had a 6'11" dude from FIU's basketball team, so..."
We must give special thanks to Devin, who helped push our Meowmi New Times into the champion seat, but we're proud of all our staffers -- not that celebrations last long in our office.
"We may have had pussycats on our shirts, but we played like lions," Miller said. "Meow it's time to get back to the day job."