Single Mothers by Choice: The South Florida Women Who Became Moms on Their Own Terms

Like everyone else, Lydia Desnoyers got stuck at home streaming Netflix during the pandemic. That got old fast, so the lifestyle and business coach began doing some introspective work. She thought about how she had met most of her life goals, but there was still one thing she had yet to achieve.

"I had frozen my eggs a year before," Desnoyers tells New Times. "But I was still single and had no prospects in sight. I was like, 'The only thing I need from a guy is sperm, and I can get that from a sperm bank.' And that's what I did."

Now 40 years old, Desnoyers is a single mother by choice (SMC or SMBC), and her story isn't as uncommon as you might think. According to a study published in the Journal of Women's Health in 2019, the number of single women using assisted reproductive technologies (ART) to conceive rose 29 percent between 2004 and 2015. Studies have also shown the average age of a SMC who conceives through artificial insemination ranges between 35 and 45.

After making her choice, Desnoyer reached out to the clinic where she had frozen her eggs to ask if they aided women with getting pregnant on their own. Many of her male friends had offered to donate their sperm, but she thought it would be safer to use a sperm bank.

"With sperm banks, you have all the legal protections," she says. Among these are legal agreements that ensure the sperm donor relinquishes parental rights. Desnoyers says she wanted to avoid any custody battle drama.

Since having her daughter, Laydi in July of 2023, Desnoyers has become an advocate for SMCs and offers lifestyle and financial coaching for those who want to go it alone. Last year, the South Florida-based, first-generation Haitian American spoke about her experience at the Florida Fertility Expo, an annual event that helps attendees feel empowered in their fertility journey. This year's event will take place on Friday and Saturday, April 18 and 19, at the Urban League of Broward County.

"Lydia is very vocal about a topic that is [relevant] within the Caribbean community," says founder and event producer Michelle McKoy. "From broadening the understanding of what a family looks like to driving conversations around reproductive health and support networks, SMCs are very important to the narrative surrounding access to fertility care, adoption, egg freezing, donor sperm, and IVF — not just for couples, but for anyone who wants to become a parent on their own terms."
Forty-two-year-old SMC Bertha Campbell, who prefers the terms "solo mom by choice" or "solo mom by intention," says being in a better mental space than when she had her son contributed to her decision to have her daughter, 3-year-old Ava.

"I had my son early and didn't really enjoy motherhood," says Campbell, who became pregnant in high school and was a single mother by circumstance. "I wanted a second chance at motherhood with all the things that I know now, and I'm in a different financial place in life."

Campell says she also had a strong desire to have a daughter. She got pregnant the "turkey baster way," using sperm from a donor who had also helped a friend of a friend get pregnant.

"Going through a cryobank and picking sperm — it's a lot financially and emotionally," she says. "When I met my donor, my spirit took him. I was like, 'This is it. This is who is going to be my sperm donor.'"

Of course, carrying a child is not the only way to become a SMC. According to the National Council for Adoption, 6.8 percent of people who adopted through private domestic adoption and 12.8 percent who adopted internationally were unmarried at the time of adoption.

Asked why she did not opt for adoption, Campbell says: "I wanted a baby girl that was mine biologically. I wanted to carry her, to feel her grow inside me, to know she came from my DNA. I wanted to experience birth on my terms and prove to myself that I could have the kind of labor and delivery I had always hoped for. So, for many reasons, I knew that this little girl was meant to come from me."

Though Desnoyers and Campbell are happy with their choices and children, the SMC movement has its critics. Last year, conservative political commentator Candace Owens uploaded a video titled "Insane TikTok Trend: Get Pregnant Without A Man." In the video, Owens specifically criticized Desnoyers and other women who shared their experiences getting pregnant without partners by choice, calling them "selfish."

That critique does not make sense to Desnoyers. "I'm literally sacrificing my singlehood and all that stuff and doing this all on my own," she says. "How on earth is that selfish?"

Florida Fertility Expo. 2 p.m. Friday, April 18, and Saturday, April 19, at the Urban League of Broward County, 560 NW 27th Ave., Fort Lauderdale; floridafertilityexpo.com. Friday admission is free with RSVP, and Saturday tickets cost $15 via eventbrite.com.