| Comedy |

Magic City Episode Two: Admit It, You'd Drink Boob Vodka Too

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Boy, things really are boiling over on Magic City! Ok, maybe

not "boiling over." But things definitely are at least at a moderate


Remember that troublesome

union leader in the pilot? He done went and disappeared, which we're pretty

sure is a euphemism for getting killed, but what do we look like, linguists?

The boss' disappearance introduces the exciting new character "White Dude:

District Attorney," who we are sure will become a beloved character over time

and certainly won't be solely used to further the plot.

But Ike doesn't have time to concern himself with crimes

in which he may be a prime suspect; there are beauty pageant executives to woo!

Ike desperately wants the Miramar to host this beauty pageant, probably because there

isn't nearly enough objectification of women at his hotel, but the executives

are too busy drinking vodka that has been poured on ladies' nipples. By the

way, if Ciroc doesn't already sell a vodka that has been pre-poured over

breasts, they are neglecting an untapped market.

On the home front, Vera is having problems planning Ike's

daughter's Bat Mitzvah. The little girl desperately wants her grandfather to

attend, but he initially refuses for very complex reasons that can succinctly

be summarized as, "he's a bit of a prick." This greatly upsets Vera, who is

using the Bat Mitzvah to show that, as Ike's new wife, she is down with the

Tribe. Aw, Vera, you're a regular June Cleaver! Minus the part where you made a

comment about how cushions left in the rain weren't the only thing getting wet

(like vaginal secretions!).

Speaking of vaginal secretions, the love lives of Ike's sons

are in an upswing. Danny impresses the chaste maid by taking her to a dinner

where he schmoozes with White Dude: District Attorney, failing to realize that

the WD:DA is currently investigating his father on disappearance charges. Jesus,

Danny, is this what they teach you at University of Miami law? Steven, on the

other hand, chooses to continue to have sex with the wife of his father's

murderous business partner. Smart life choice, kid.

While we're on the subject: Butcher, dude? Chill. We get it,

you're a psychopath who only cares about money. But the whole "shooting a dog

when it interrupts a phone call" thing? Harsh. And the whole "dragging Ike to a

boat where you're entertaining people by taunting shooting sharks with topless girls" thing?

That sort of stuff is what caused Jaws to happen. Dial it down, son. Even

Christopher Walken thinks you're a little broad and intense. Also, not more bragging to your wife about knowing when she's on her period by smell. Dog,

we're pretty sure they had tampons back in '59. (Also: ew.)

In the end, things worked out OK. Someone took a picture of

the beauty pageant executives engaging in bondage, forcing them to have the

pageant at the Miramar, and White Dude: District Attorney gets a big break on

the missing Union boss by harassing a closeted hotel clerk. Hooray, sexual

extortion! Nowadays people just put pictures of themselves in BDSM play on their Pinterest, but the

'50s were a simpler time. Asshole Grandpa decided to show up to his

granddaughter's Bat Mitzvah, too, in a very sweet moment. After all, if there is

one thing Magic City is all about, it's family. Well, and naked ladies. But if

there are two things Magic City is all about, the second would be family. Unless

you count killing dogs. Until next week!

Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.

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