Once upon a time, a curious mommy with golden locks encountered three piles of books. One pile included classic bedtime staples likeGoodnight Moon
andThe Very Hungry Caterpillar
, which bored her so much that she figured they would put her to sleep before any of her pain in the ass, little tikes. The next pile includedLolita
,A Clockwork Orange
, andCatcher in the Rye
. The yellow-maned mama deemed them inappropriate for her toddlers. Then she checked out the third pile with book scribes like Dr. Seuss, Shel Silverstein, and J.K. Rowling. Blondie began to read and was instantly engaged. They were just right!
But just as she was about to scamper off with the complete series of Harry Potter books, three ferocious grizzlies tore the mother from limb to limb, ate her alive, flossed their teeth with her intestines, and made her skull into a bong. WTF, right? Who would write a story for children like that? That's not sweet! There's no morals! But believe it or not, there's a few WTF children books out there with some twisted storylines. Here's our pick for the five most bizarre:
1. My Beautiful Mommy
Does you little one keep on asking you why your hair is blond but her's is brown? Why your nose is petite and perfect while she's got a big ol' honker? And while daddy looks a lot like her, you look more like a cat? All the answers to her questions can be answered with the aid of My Beautiful Mommy a children's book put out by Dr. Michael Salzhauer, a plastic surgeon.
According to the description on Amazon.com:
The story guides children through Mommy's surgery and healing process in a friendly, nonthreatening way. Through vivid illustrations and straightforward dialogue, My Beautiful Mommy
explains a parent s physical transformation in a breezy, child-friendly
manner from a young child s perspective. You and your child will follow
along as Mommy goes through her plastic surgery experience and learn
how the entire family pitches in to help Mommy achieve her beautiful
What a great moral to teach your daughter, that the genes in your family are so unattractive that mommy has to be cut open to be pretty. And that one day, she'll probably have to do it too if she ever wants a guy to love her. That should do wonders for her self-esteem.
2. The House that Crack Built
We know the title is super vague so let's be blunt and just say outright, this picture book is about crack. Taking the classic nursery rhyme and giving it a hip-hop feel, this book takes kids on a magical journey through the process of making, selling, and profiting from crack -- from the exploited South American coca farmers, to gang-riddled streets, to the chi-chi house that crack built. A must-read for any child who's been free basing since diapers.
3. Go the Fuck to Sleep
Okay, this one isn't really for kids, it's a parody book for their sleep-deprived parents who know all too well that sometimes a oh-so-cute rhyme and pretty pictures won't always knock your screaming children out. Written by the California Book Award-winning author Adam Mansbach, the book is affectionate yet honest about the realities of putting kids to bed, opening up discussions about parenting, and giving adults the permission to be frustrated with their devilish little angels with tons of humor. The only problem is that the book is designed to look like a children's book, and if a chatty 4 year-old got its hands on it, it could open a gigantic can of worms. So hide it with your gun.
4. It Hurts When I Poop!: A Story for Children Who Are Scared to Use the Potty
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5. I Wish Daddy Didn't Drink So Much
You know, for us, this book's title was tied with Joined at Birth: The Lives of Conjoined Twins and the FEMA-released 9-11 Coloring Book for kids. No matter how you look at it, all three can make even a 2-year-old utter, what the FUCK?