Five Stars We Liked Better When They Were Fat

Page 2 of 3

Kelly Osbourne

Kelly, really, you're not so bad. You're fun on Fashion Police. But sometimes, sometimes, you say shit that's mean-girlish. And icky. For example: your beef with the now somewhat-beefy Christina Aguilera. We get it -- she picked on you when you were a butterball. And if her music is any indication, her bullying was probably pretty painful. But poking fun at her on the regular for being fat now that you're thin comes off as petty. And petty verbal vengeance makes anybody look ugly, regardless of your dress size.

Can't you muster up some sympathy for her? Girlfriend just went through a divorce, is dating a production assistant, and thinks leggings are a suitable replacement for pants. She's a mess. Honestly, you don't really have to say anything. Xtina embarrasses herself. Just sit back, shut your trap, and remember what it was like when you were a big ol' pill-popping disaster.

LeAnn Rimes

Hey, LeAnn, remember when you used to win Grammys and be a respectable singer and everything? What happened to that girl? Sure, she was a chubby little chipmunk, but she added something inspirational and enjoyable to the universe. Now you're nothing but an attention whore in a bikini who has something to prove to who the hell knows. Not to mention, you publicly stole a good-looking but good-for-nothing married dude with kids from his bimbo former wife -- then you rubbed all of it in said bimbo's face on Twitter. What the hell, girl? Think of the children. Just because their daddy sees dollar signs when he looks into your squinty, Falcor-esque eyes does not mean they won't need years of therapy. Now put on some clothes, eat a steak, and go record an album or something.

KEEP MIAMI NEW TIMES FREE... Since we started Miami New Times, it has been defined as the free, independent voice of Miami, and we'd like to keep it that way. With local media under siege, it's more important than ever for us to rally support behind funding our local journalism. You can help by participating in our "I Support" program, allowing us to keep offering readers access to our incisive coverage of local news, food and culture with no paywalls.
Elyse Wanshel
Contact: Elyse Wanshel