Electronic Universal Truth

Take a thermonuclear reactor, throw in some dynamite, mix it in a Gravitron, and wire it to the most massive assortment of subwoofers on planet Earth, and you’ll have half an idea how hard Ultra Music Festival will be blowing up Miami. The sold-out event starts Friday at 4 p.m., but satellite parties at every Miami venue you can name kick off Thursday, including screenings of Can U Feel It: The Ultra Music Festival Experience, giving party people a taste of the hard stuff. The beats will drop so heavy that Bayfront Park (301 N. Biscayne Blvd., Miami) might crack off the mainland, turn into an island, and surf into the ocean on a tidal wave of bass. Think of it like this: helicopters dropping (vegan) turkey legs, glowsticks, and fresh socks by parachute; beat-freak-powered turbines producing the megawatts necessary to keep the party going indefinitely; DJ Icey marking off a 60-day marathon set notch on his belt; Afrobeta producing a new album every month and starting a subscription-based artist business model; Tommy Trash taking on every MILF in camp; and Dirty South tweeting it to the world. The youngsters will grow up, birth the next generation of festivaleros, and form their own society centered around the massive music festival. New farming techniques based on subwoof agriculture will see plants grow stronger with bass. The island will hit international waters, grow the cleanest organic strain of marijuana in the universe, build a web-commerce empire, and find the cure for cancer. (Note: None of these things will actually happen. But the citywide Ultra experience will be just as awesome as if they did.) Whether you’re hitting up the main event or just club-hopping all weekend, you’re in for an amazing experience.
Fri., March 23, 4 p.m., 2012