Ali Wong understands it. In her new Netflix special, Single Lady, the recently divorced comedian says that "one woman's trash is another woman's trained trash." (By "trash," I'm sure she means "loving partner.")
She's right, though, especially when we're talking about hetero women in their 30s and older who are in the dating scene. For us, there are two types of dudes: guys who have never been married and guys who have. I don't want to say that a never-married, late-30s guy is an automatic red flag, but there's a definite possibility that he has commitment issues. (Please don't cancel me.)
A lot of my girlfriends have caught on to the trend, even the ones who don't have kids yet themselves. As one of them put it, "DILFs, especially girl dads, have a certain nurturing quality that makes you want to melt and take your pants off. You are a gem that they need to protect. It's so sexy when a man is in control but knows when to soothe with softness in consideration of our feelings."
It seems to be a symbiotic kink. A recently divorced dad told me, "Despite the women I've dated never having met my boys or seen me interact with them, every time they tell me what they find attractive about me, 'You're such a great dad' is always mentioned. The various explanations I've gotten boil down to their belief that my being a good father demonstrates a capacity for affection, commitment, responsibility, care, and safeguarding. Apparently, women find that super hot."
Both people are describing characteristics that are more societally attributed to women but seem to be developed in men during fatherhood. We are talking about good, active dads here — no deadbeats. This isn't to deny that plenty of men are innately nurturing. Fatherhood can just give that characteristic a boost — one that potential partners find attractive.
Of course, not all DILFs are created equal. We can't discount that many of them are single again for good reasons. My advice would be to look for the men who say things like "We just weren't compatible anymore" rather than "My ex is toxic." Those are the diamonds in the rough.
Guys who have been around the marriage block come with hard-earned experience. While they may not be the current stop on my personal journey, I recommend that the singles out there give DILFs a chance.
