So Roshon and Melissa took their final bow last week. But who cares? It's the semi-finals of Dancing With The Stars!
Our four final teams are
great and professional and it just tears us up inside. The dirty secret of DWTS is
this: The longer the season goes, the more crazy or terrible dancers get weeded
out -- and the harder it is to recap.
We guess we could try analyzing the actual
dancing, but we were raised by the Internet and are of the ADD generation. Just be grateful that we're getting through these recaps without just
giving our opinion on HBO's Girls.
William Levy & Cheryl start the semis with a tango to
"Sweet Dreams (Are Made of This)," which sounds good, if you are
interested in hearing the song sung by a Kristen Wiig SNL character. The practice
footage tries to fake us out by having William frustrated learning the dance, but we know better than to believe that. They get a 28.
Katherine Jenkins & Mark quickstep to The Brian Setzer
Orchestra. We'd brag about having called the song choice last week, but really, it was
inevitable. Katherine wants the two dances to show her classy and sassy sides.
Is trying to bring back the '90s swing moment a classy move or a sassy one?
Should you be allowed to dance to swing music if you're not swing dancing?
These are the questions that keep us up at night. Or would, if we cared.
The judges score them a 29.
Donald Driver & Peta continue with a waltz. God, all
these nice people with their good dancing are so boring! Sherri Shepherd, at
least, would have slipped on a banana peel for our amusement. Donald says he'll
do whatever it takes to get to the finals. Are you going to maim the other
contestants and try to eliminate them via injury like in the NFL? No? You're
just going to dance really well? Ugh. Fine. They earn a 28.
Maria Menounos & Derek end the first round with an Argentine tango. Yes! Derek delivers! And by "delivers" we mean "acts like a dickhead."
Ooh, he's doubting himself, but Maria is there to lift his spirits! Tears!
Intrigue! Dance! All that lame "trust fall, touchy-feely,
Dad-never-came-to-my-football-games" therapy breakthrough stuff works for a perfect 30!
William Levy & Cheryl begin the second round of dances
with the samba. But first, we get to hear about all of the dancers' families. Did
you know that William was a Cuban immigrant? Oh, you did? Because it was mentioned
every week? Well, here's his mom and brother to talk about it. Also, if you
were wondering if his mother still keeps it tight: Oh yeah, she does. They also
keep it tight on the dance floor, earning that perfect 30.
Katherine Jenkins & Mark salsa to Akon for their second
dance. Cue the calming pastoral music, because Katherine's talking about
England. She went to a very good singing school. How good? Good enough that ABC
brought in Andrew Lloyd Webber from his arduous work to agree that it's a good
school. Piers Morgan tells us she broke up with her fiancée. Way to keep a
secret, Piers! It was a good dance, but had a botched ending with a potential injury, forcing them into
the evening's low score of 27, which is still three nines, which is pretty
great! But then, we're just trying to get her on that failed engagement
rebound. Because we're classy.
Donald Driver & Peta samba to "Mr. Big Stuff." (Yes, a samba. To "Mr. Big Stuff." Who do they think they are?). Donald grew up in the
rough part of Houston. His father nicknamed him "quicky" because he was fast.
Lazy nickname, pops. Oh, you don't have time to come up with a good one because
you're in jail? Fair. Donald's story is very gripping and serious.
Homelessness, dealing drugs, redemption through football. Of course he honors this
by dancing to a song featured in candy commercials. It works, gaining a 29!
Maria Menounos & Derek finish with a jive in an homage to Pee Wee's Big Adventure, based on Derek's suit.
Her background was tough too. BUT TALK ABOUT THE PEE WEE HOMAGE. Maria has interviewed presidents and covered important disasters, so naturally DWTS tapped WWE chairman Vince McMahon to talk about her character. They nail
their dance, getting a 29.
Great dancing! Great week. We suspect it's Katherine and
Mark's week to go due to having the lowest scores and being injured. Don't
worry, you're still OK in our book! (Our book is "The Book of Bangin'