Audio By Carbonatix
Ah, Thanksgiving; the time of year when Pilgrims and Indians grow corn and shoot unsuspecting turkeys all in the name of a gigantic overindulgent feast.
Nowadays however, Thanksgiving is known for its family-oriented festivities where all the relatives can get together in one place and criticize each other. Oh, and eat more food in one sitting than seems humanly possible. With all the holiday headaches that come with, lighten your load a bit with our Thanksgiving checklist and have a Happy Thanksgiving!
10. Fast for 24 hours to allow maximum consumption. Or you could just
trade stomachs with a cow to allow for easy digestion of the four
Thanksgiving food groups. One for turkey, one for mashed potatoes, one
for green bean casserole, one for cranberry sauce…
9. Watch the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day parade and pray the Smurfs float
gets rickrolled in the middle of their la la la’s and happy little Smurf
dances like Foster’s Home for Imaginary Friends’ float did in 2008.
8. Finally feel secure in your adulthood by insisting you sit at the
big table instead of the kids’ table. So what if there’s no room? Get a
bigger table grandma!
7. Outbelch your Dad and Grandpa in the annual Thanksgiving
Belch-a-Thon. Bonus if your burps taste like cranberry.
Mmmm…cranberry…
6. Two words: pumpkin pie.
5. Watch awkwardly as your grandparents squabble over who will clean
the dishes. Then, casually lose your hearing as they trade threats of
where the turkey baster might end up next.
4. Pre-break the wishbone, then glue it back together. Take the bigger
half and wish for a saner family. If anyone suspects your trickery,
just tell them the turkey had osteoporosis.
3. Watch the Dolphins/Cowboys game. If things get ugly, pretend you
fell asleep. You can blame it on the tryptophan, just don’t let them
see your tears.
2. Tell turkey jokes to your little cousins and watch them squirt gravy out their noses.
Q. What sound does a turkey’s phone make?
A. Wing! Wing!
1. Be thankful you have a family to spend Thanksgiving with even if
they are loud, annoying, gassy, and eccentric. At least you’re not
spending it in jail like Lindsay Lohan.
–Liana Minassian
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
