Audio By Carbonatix
OK, ladies, we get it. Halloween is the one time of the year when you can dress like a hooker and actually get insulted when someone offers you money for sex. It’s all good. You’re entitled to express your sexuality any way you see fit. The only thing is, with men busting out with costumes that revolve around wit, ingenuity, and uh, whatever this is, why are slut-o-weeners sticking to the same tired themes? Sexy cops, nurses, librarians, pirates, school girls = boring!
Here on Cultist, we urge women who enjoy utilizing their socially accepted, once-a-year, whorey-whorey-ho card to be a bit more imaginative. So, here’s ten challenging costume ideas for the suggestive set that, if done correctly, can be both risqué and ridiculously funny.
1. Sexy Bea Arthur
Many have pondered Bea’s true gender for years. So throw on your best long, ill-fitting vest over your best long, ill-fitting jacket, over your best long ill-fitting low-cut blouse, push up your flugenachens (we suggest covering your boobs with painted-on liver spots for authenticity) and let her femininity be known!
2. Sexy Chewbacca
Any girl that can pull off releasing long, gurgling growls while sporting a bare mid-drift, full beard, and hairy chest, butt, pit, and everywhere hair is pretty sizzling. Actually, lots of Star Wars characters (Yoda, R2D2, Jabba the Hutt) can be pretty entertaining if they were sexualized. Except for Princess Leia when she rocks her slave outfit. That’s just too easy, plus, how could it ever be funny?
We stand corrected.
3. Sexy Hairless Pussy
Hey, get you’re mind out of the gutter! We’re not suggesting that you dress up as a painful south-of-the-boarder waxing style. We’re talking about actual follicle-free felines. And there’s no denying that hairless cats are frightening. Case in point:
May we suggest wearing a flesh-tone bustier and having a drunk friend glue cotton balls all over your body to represent, uh, well, hmmm….yeah:
4. Sexy Tampon
To a man, a tampon is the scariest thing on earth. And by dressing as one you’re actually celebrating the true joy of Halloween. No, not indulging in fear. We’re talking about finding out you’re not pregnant after you got smashed and hooked up with the White Power Ranger on October 31. Or, if dressing like a giant Tampax is too embarrassing or repulsive for you to handle, you can always just dress up as Spencer Pratt. Or Mel Gibson. Tampon, John Mayer, same thing.
5. Sexy Dora the Explorer
With Halloween costumes available for little girls that look like this and this, we think it’s only fair to sexually objectify lil’ Dora. Hey, those protuberant brats are inching in on our territory. And besides, it’ll probably lure Lolita-lusting pervs away from jailbait and into your bedroom. Think of it as doing your good deed for the day.
6. Sexy Ghost
This one’s for a skank on a budget. Just throw an old sheet over your head and instead of cutting two slots near your eyes, just cut one big one over your cleavage. Who needs to see when you have a great rack?
7. Sexy Giant Purple Squid
We know, this one sounds impossible. But this chick can use all the help in the world:
8. Sexy Hobo
Might we suggest giving this costume a Beverly Hill’s socialite twist? We’re thinking a plastic tiara atop of a lice-infested hair, a tiny, stray mutt inside of a plastic grocery bag, and being able to flash your lady bits when you get out of your cardboard box because you’re not wearing any pants in the first place. I think they call it Boho Chic.
9. Sexy Freddy Krueger
Razor fingers? Flesh melted by fire? A cheesy sweater that’s been haunting our dreams since 1984? It’d take a lot of imagination to make a monster like Freddy sexy:
Or a complete lack there of….
10. Sexy Gloria Steinem
Are we actually suggesting turning a respected feminist icon – and vehement critic of pornography – into a cheap floozy for the sake of a joke? You betcha! Taking note from Steinem’s 1963 article in which she went undercover as a cocktail waitress at the Playboy Club in Manhattan, we suggest just dressing up as….Wow. You ladies are already on top of it!
Yay for women’s lib!
