Rekindle Lost Romance After Children

Hello, Kitty:

I am a blissfully married man of eight years. It has been a long run, but I’ve enjoyed the ups and downs of marriage as long as I’ve been able to get some. Last year, my wife and I had a baby girl. We were ecstatic about it. Since then, though, sex has become rare — so rare that the last time we were intimate, I couldn’t control myself. I worked so hard that I left my wife in pain. So much for father’s little helper. Please help me rekindle that lost flame. Thanks.

Blisterfully J.

Hey, J.:

Pain is a good postcoital sensation only if you’re into it. I’m guessing your lil’ lady isn’t. Either your stroke is entirely off-kilter or you’ve forgotten you’re humping the one you love. Surely it’s time for you to discover a new outlet for your sexual tension. If you don’t, pretty soon your wife will be decidedly less open to spending her precious free time with you between her legs, or you will split up.

I’m not going to argue that for eons, women have managed to rear kids and sexually satisfy their husbands and therefore your new child shouldn’t affect your wife’s ability or desire. I don’t know her situation. I’ll just assume you’re the confused Charlie here. What I can be sure of is that having a baby around the house is difficult and can make parents forget what the letters s-e-x even spell. Masturbation is a great way for you to reach orgasm without assistance. Take a seat on your porcelain throne or that rusty stool in the garage and wank away. The alone time will relax your mind, and the jerking, well, you know what that will do. Another way to release some tension in the relationship would be to give your wife a hand around the house. If you take some of the burden off of her, she’ll have a chance to unwind and realize she is horny, has something hot right in her face, and wants to have an orgasm of her own. Good luck. Meow.

Got a question? Email kitty@miaminewtimes.com, or visit blogs.miaminewtimes.com/riptide/magic_city_kitty