Audio By Carbonatix
Boy, things really are boiling over on Magic City! Ok, maybe
not “boiling over.” But things definitely are at least at a moderate
simmer.
Remember that troublesome
union leader in the pilot? He done went and disappeared, which we’re pretty
sure is a euphemism for getting killed, but what do we look like, linguists?
The boss’ disappearance introduces the exciting new character “White Dude:
District Attorney,” who we are sure will become a beloved character over time
and certainly won’t be solely used to further the plot.
But Ike doesn’t have time to concern himself with crimes
in which he may be a prime suspect; there are beauty pageant executives to woo!
Ike desperately wants the Miramar to host this beauty pageant, probably because there
isn’t nearly enough objectification of women at his hotel, but the executives
are too busy drinking vodka that has been poured on ladies’ nipples. By the
way, if Ciroc doesn’t already sell a vodka that has been pre-poured over
breasts, they are neglecting an untapped market.
On the home front, Vera is having problems planning Ike’s
daughter’s Bat Mitzvah. The little girl desperately wants her grandfather to
attend, but he initially refuses for very complex reasons that can succinctly
be summarized as, “he’s a bit of a prick.” This greatly upsets Vera, who is
using the Bat Mitzvah to show that, as Ike’s new wife, she is down with the
Tribe. Aw, Vera, you’re a regular June Cleaver! Minus the part where you made a
comment about how cushions left in the rain weren’t the only thing getting wet
(like vaginal secretions!).
Speaking of vaginal secretions, the love lives of Ike’s sons
are in an upswing. Danny impresses the chaste maid by taking her to a dinner
where he schmoozes with White Dude: District Attorney, failing to realize that
the WD:DA is currently investigating his father on disappearance charges. Jesus,
Danny, is this what they teach you at University of Miami law? Steven, on the
other hand, chooses to continue to have sex with the wife of his father’s
murderous business partner. Smart life choice, kid.
While we’re on the subject: Butcher, dude? Chill. We get it,
you’re a psychopath who only cares about money. But the whole “shooting a dog
when it interrupts a phone call” thing? Harsh. And the whole “dragging Ike to a
boat where you’re entertaining people by taunting shooting sharks with topless girls” thing?
That sort of stuff is what caused Jaws to happen. Dial it down, son. Even
Christopher Walken thinks you’re a little broad and intense. Also, not more bragging to your wife about knowing when she’s on her period by smell. Dog,
we’re pretty sure they had tampons back in ’59. (Also: ew.)
In the end, things worked out OK. Someone took a picture of
the beauty pageant executives engaging in bondage, forcing them to have the
pageant at the Miramar, and White Dude: District Attorney gets a big break on
the missing Union boss by harassing a closeted hotel clerk. Hooray, sexual
extortion! Nowadays people just put pictures of themselves in BDSM play on their Pinterest, but the
’50s were a simpler time. Asshole Grandpa decided to show up to his
granddaughter’s Bat Mitzvah, too, in a very sweet moment. After all, if there is
one thing Magic City is all about, it’s family. Well, and naked ladies. But if
there are two things Magic City is all about, the second would be family. Unless
you count killing dogs. Until next week!
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
