Audio By Carbonatix
That five-day art bender, better known as Art Basel, is slowly vacating the recesses of our brains. But if you’re feeling a little blue that we’ll have to wait a whole year to see that depth of art again, take solace in the following: You won’t have to see a certain sub-species of human again, at least for a while. We like to call the members of this group: Euro Art Snobs (EAS).
The following is a pictorial tribute to those individuals who wear funny glasses, carry man purses, and fancy themselves art connoisseurs. But more than that, it’s a primer on the particular fashion nuances that distinguish them from the rest of high society.
We’ll call this one white-on-pasty-white. This guy demonstrates an unwritten rule of art fashion: If you’re going to wear short shorts, make sure the sleeves on your blazer are also short. Nice murse! He skillfully camouflages into all-white backgrounds so that he can secretly listen in on conversations and steal thoughtful sounding comments about the art.
This EAS is eerily reminiscent of Gary Oldman’s character in The Fifth Element with a Paul Giamatti element thrown in. We respect anybody who wears a jacket which draws attention to a ginger beard. And the lesson here is: If you wear an utterly ridiculous accessory like a kitty toy on a necklace, other Euro Art Snobs will be so distracted, they won’t realize you don’t know a damn thing about art.
This is what happens when you take a Mayan witch doctor and put him in civilized society. (Look closely. He even wore that beanie in his security badge photo.) This is another excellent example of fashion distraction. You put enough color in your get-up, and nobody will noticed you haven’t the foggiest idea how to properly tie a necktie. Crafty, EAS, so crafty!
This guy looks just like Brad Pitt in one of his lesser-known, early movies, Johnny Suede. Except Pitt wouldn’t go near the Dwyane Wayne flip-up glasses from A Different World even in the early 1990s. Giggle if you must, but this guy is ready for the onslaught of flash bulbs that go off at most Basel events. We think this might be Andy Warhol reincarnated, provided he was born Luxemburg the second time around. Yes, Euro Art Snobs qualify for reincarnation too.
Where does this guy end and the art begin? We pooh poohed sandals when attending Art Basel events, but forgot to mention an important caveat. They’re Okay provided you wear 20 pounds of metallic jewelry. He’s also demonstrating an important tenet of EAS fashion. Do something interesting and nonsensical when you pose for a picture — like cover your face.
Ever wondered what happens when you mix Euro trash with white trash? That’s right. Our worst nightmare. In fairness to Hans Billy Bob here, those are nice looking curls and those coat hanger spectacles are pretty cool. But don’t look too closely ot you’ll notice that flesh ‘stashe!
When Chief Inspector Clouseau from the Pink Panther went to Professor Balls’ costume shop and asked for a disguise to infiltrate Art Basel, this is what Balls came up with. There is the beret, the creepy goatee, the silver ring earring, and the highlight of the disguise, a shirt/blazer (we can’t tell which) that can only be worn to an art gallery. What this poor guy didn’t realize is that Balls’ costumes are funny precisely because it’s obvious when you are trying to dress the part. This outfit scream: “Stop searching for a Warhol and look at me!” Consider your disguise blown, EAS.
A cross between Burt Lancaster’s Dr. Moreau and Bonfire of the Vanities author Tom Wolfe. But, of course, 100 percent stud! Another case where an all-white get-up allows a Euro Art Snob to camouflage himself in the booth’s white walls. Now you see him, now you don’t.
Mamma mia. This lady has four arms! No, really, good use of lipstick matching with turban and blonde dye on the eyebrows. For EAS, it always makes sense to wear an accessory that’s large enough to hide things in, whether it be cubed cheese or actual works of art. If any masterpieces go missing, check here first.
Forget a calendar, when you see this guy coming ’round the corner you know it’s Art Basel time! The unkempt hair and skin, the steely Scandinavian blue eyes, and the knotted scarf scream Stieg Larsson. And considering his peers, this Euro Art Snob’s understated look qualifies him as best-dressed. Congrats, dude.
Follow Cultist on Facebook and Twitter @CultistMiami.
