Buffalo Bullcrap

The Buffalo Bills are softer than a pile of baby ducks, and they’ve got yellow bellies too. Legend has it they all have a good cry together before every game. They also go dress shopping together on their days off. The Bills are so broke that last week they had to pay their players in buffalo chips. And that’s what farmers call buffalo crap — no bullshit. The Bills are so lame they play patty-cake to see who gets to be captain. And whoever wins gets to wear a princess hat all day. The Bills are so desperate they had to buy their coach at Rent-a-Center, and now their salesman is also their offensive coordinator. They couldn’t march in a parade down a one-way street because it would be too confusing a play. They couldn’t move in unison if they had Beethoven conducting. They’re gonna get beat like an old rug on a clothesline when they meet the Miami Dolphins at Sun Life Stadium (347 Don Shula Dr., Miami Gardens). The Bills will be lucky to make it through the first half without throwing in the towel. The game starts at 8:30 p.m. Thursday, and tickets cost $39 to $625. Call 888-FINS-TIX or visit miamidolphins.com.
Thu., Nov. 13, 8:30 p.m., 2014