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The Atlanta Hawks are slower than C-SPAN on sleeping pills. They couldn’t slam a can of soda on a countertop. They haven’t triple-doubled since their last meal at a drive-thru. They couldn’t jam the box if they had a pallet of Smucker’s and a case of cardboard. They make more turnovers than an empanada factory. They pass worse than a fart in an elevator. They couldn’t drive to the hole with a chauffeur and a limousine.
Their defensive strategy came from the letters floating in a bowl of alphabet soup. They got their coach free with a set of patio furniture. He has a 90-day warranty, but they lost the receipt. Their owner is cheaper than a walk in the park. They couldn’t beat the heat with a swimming pool, an umbrella, and a glass of lemonade. That’s why we’re gonna smoke ’em like a bag of kush and then leave ’em on the curb with the rest of our garbage the next morning. Watch the Miami Heat obliterate the Hawks this Wednesday at the AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami). Tip-off is at 7:30 p.m., and tickets cost $15 to $340. Call 800-653-8000 or visit miamiheat.com.
Wed., Dec. 3, 7:30 p.m., 2014
