Five Texts That Test Whether Women Like to Sext More Than Men

Want to know which demographic most enjoys gift-wrapping toenail clippings in moist towelettes? There’s probably scientists right now securing grant money for just such a useless study. And consider this study reported by the New York Times in which two sociologists gave us a groundbreaking conclusion: Women are more likely to “sext” than men.

If you’re not familiar with what a sext is, it’s a technologically advanced method of blue balling someone from anywhere on the planet. They contain provocative insinuations of potential sexual services rendered and in some cases photographic evidence of the objects to be used in said encounters. I tested this study’s finding by sending coy texts to female friends.

After all, I’m a man of science. If I’m going to read an article about

how women love to send sexually explicit text messages, I’m going to

need to verify the claim myself.

Using 100% sound scientific practices

with no flaws whatsoever, I decided to induce sexting from some of my

female friends to see whether or not they’d be willing to just up and

partake in it. You know, for science. However, this wouldn’t be a

valid scientific paper unless we pulled out our trusty middle school

scientific method! So let’s kick this shit old school.

Question
Do women actively enjoy sexting? Furthermore, will this little experiment get me inadvertently laid?

Research
Never mind. I’ll go with this one single source,

because I’m two beers deep and if I start Googling I’ll inevitably end

up reading Avatar fan-fiction written by angsty teenagers.

Hypothesis
Women

actively enjoy sexting, but not with me, because I’m an idiot. I will

not get laid from this, and I will make at least one friendship awkward

during the period of time between the conversation and the publishing of

this article.

Experiment
Time to put this all to the

test. I sent text messages to a few women I know, ideally the single

ones, and attempted to inspire some virtual heat.

Subject 1: I figured I’d dive right in and cut the bullshit. Every rap song I’ve

ever listened to indicates that a direct “yo, muh, lemme tap dat”

approach culminates with insertion. Instead, using this technique, I was

met with laughter. It occurred to me that maybe that’s not conducive to

sexting.

She then went on to tell me about her day. Maybe that’s how married people sext.

Subject 2: This time I opened with the traditional “I’m feeling horny and want

to gauge your interest in genital magic” line. “What are you wearing?”

There are only three times that line is used: When you want to

passive-aggressively mock someone’s wardrobe, when you’re not sure what

to wear to an event, or when you’re horny. No one ever asks that and

follows it up with, “it’s for research for an article.”

Damn, I almost had it.Subject 3:

Feeling that there was some potential, I used the same opener on a

woman who has been evading my penis so staunchly we might as well be

jousting. As usual, she wasn’t very receptive, so I reverted to the

gangsta prose.

For anyone unaware, skorts are those half-shorts, half-skirts girls wore in elementary school.Subject 4:

For this trial, I figured I should maybe tone it down and not take

tips from the Lil’ Wayne School of Flirtation. At first I wasn’t really

sure of how to approach this, but once I knew she was watching Sex and the City it became evident that she has terrible taste in things. So I felt had a chance. Lo and behold, it worked. That shit worked. A gentleman doesn’t kiss and tell, so I won’t be discussing the happenings of that evening with you all.

sex and the city with her not having sex. my balls were so blue they learned to play harmonica.>

Subject 5: Jackpot.

I

was hoping she would send a photo of some cantaloupes, then I’d ask

“want to see my cock?” and when she agrees expecting a rooster I send a

picture of my penis. This is not what happened.

Results
It

appears my hypothesis was correct. Three out of five seemed to at the

very least acknowledge and throw me a bone. There’s no doubt in my mind

that if I were to be smoother with the texts there would be some more verbal word play.

Conclusion
Don’t trust me with your phone number. To the ladies I texted: Sorry I messaged you. To the ladies not included: Sorry I didn’t.

But hang on a second…

So,

yeah, the article in question states that the study was based off a web

site tailored to cheating whores and philandering assholes. My bad! AshleyMadison.com,

the go-to place for happily married individuals seeking to honor their

commitment by exchanging fluids with a stranger, was used as the survey

source. It’s like claiming Americans are terrible at math when your

study consisted of asking algebra questions at a NASCAR event.

Still, three out of five ain’t bad.

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