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America has the highest number of undeserving celebrities per capita. If we had a nickel for every Wacka Flacka Flame or Those Guys Who Wrote That Song About Flying High and Ballin’, we wouldn’t need advertisers. Also, we would exchange those nickels to euros because our dollar is weak as shit, probably because America no longer makes “things.” Instead we make shitty celebrities and reality shows.
Let’s talk some crap about mediocre
talent. Unsure of what mediocre talent is? Join us as we run down a quick list
and explain why these people aren’t worth all the ogling.
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3. All those other girls just like Paris Hilton of varying ethnicities
Like the Kardashians and
Tila Tequila. Try and break down why the Kardashians are famous for a
second. Imagine you’re the future child of the one married to the
basketball player. One day you ask, “mommy, why do people with cameras
always follow us around?” Try to conceptualize the texture and
consistency of the vomit that will violently explode out of your tiny
mouth when your mom says, “well sweetie, your grandpa Robert helped O.J.
Simpson get away with murdering two people, and then your auntie Kimmy
videotaped herself fucking a second-rate rapper whose only claim to fame
was being Brandy’s untalented little brother.”
Yes,
Kim Kardashian is very attractive, but a pretty face and a Puerto
Rican-esque booty aren’t exactly rarities that require airtime on CNN.
4. Rappers only about money & hoes
There are many phenomenal rappers out there, and yes, even
they occasionally go on about currency and shit, but not each and every
one of their singles has to do with their bank accounts and how their
promiscuity is unmatched. Soulja Boy’s “Pretty Boy Swag” is quite
frankly the worst thing to happen to music since Soulja Boy’s “Turn My
Swag On.” Ever since his first hit “Crank That” he has been getting
consistently worse with each new single. He’s doing to music what M.
Night Shyamalan is doing to movies.
5. Dane Cook
Because he’s not fucking funny anymore. He sort of was at first before
he sold his soul to Dick Cheney/The Devil, but now he just yells a
couple of nonsensical things and collects a check, kind of like Pitbull.
There are so many great stand-up comedians out there, I don’t see why
so much of the spotlight has to be shone on a guy who stole a bunch of
his jokes from Louis CK.
But
we all love to gossip about something, don’t we? That’s fine, I guess,
but at least pick a target with some talent to envy. Didn’t you hear?
Kobe Bryant called a referee a “fucking faggot.”
Plus he raped some girl. Allegedly.
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