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The tech world is ablaze with rumors about Apple’s soon-to-be-unveiled iPhone 5. What kind of new features will it have? Will it be
available in late September or early October? Will your battery be dead by 5 p.m.
every day because all you do is play Words With Friends at work?
Nobody knows. But that doesn’t stop the speculation. Not one to be behind the curve of
technological innovation, we here at Cultist have hit up our Apple insiders for
the scoop on all of the iPhone 5’s new features. Will any of our rumors turn
out to be true? Probably not.
5. External Antennae
Apple notoriously caught a lot of flack for the iPhone 4’s inconvenient and ineffective placement of the internal antenna. This isn’t a mistake that Apple is willing to make again, or so our
(fake) sources tell us. Expect the iPhone 5 to have an external antenna, not unlike
the cell phones of ’80s Wall Street.
Will it be even more inconvenient than
the original antenna? Probably. But just think of how much better your
reception will be, at least until you accidentally snap it off in your pocket.
Don’t be surprised if Apple rolls out vintage rabbit ears for the iPhone
6 to court the section of the market that really wants to go retro.
4. Video Chat
Apple stepped up the innovation with its built-in camera on
the iPhone 4, allowing video chat across its networks. Though a neat feature, it
was not without faults, mainly being that it made its users look hideous in
natural lighting. The iPhone 5 is widely expected to integrate the technology
that independent apps such as Hipstermatic and Instagram have pioneered to make
video chat users seem glamorous and cool, or at least able to mask their
ugliness.
Why have a conversation with someone when you have a blackhead on
your nose when you can just turn everything sepia and make yourself seem like
the trendy, artsy type?
3. Predictive Text
Predictive text is often a blessing and a curse. Though it cuts down on the time it takes for us to type a text, Apple’s current
predictive text hasn’t quite caught up to our ‘advanced’ vocabulary. Namely how
we swear like a sailor.
However, sources tell us Apple is ready to roll
out an adult predictive text with the capability to finally understand curse words. No longer will hell immediately turn into he’ll. Finally we can
drunkenly argue with our ex more efficiently without worrying if we just called
her “the awful batch who ruined our farming life.”
2. Pixar MovieOur sources tell us that Apple wants to finally capitalize
on Steve Jobs’s position at Disney and to expect a Pixar movie tie-in when the
iPhone 5 is finally released. iPhoney is said to combine the best of Toy Story
and Wall-E, a harrowing tale of what happens to an adorable anthropomorphic
iPhone when it gets separated from its loyal teen owner.
Can iPhoney navigate
its way around the big city, avoiding mean Android phones in the process? The
movie will allow Apple to reach the yet-untapped 3-to-8-year-old cell-phone user market with McDonald’s toys and catchy Randy Newman songs. Yeah,
it’s a crass commercial tie-in, but there’s no way it could be worse than Cars
2.
1. New Cell Network
Every commercial for new cell phones emphasizes the fast
speeds of the 4G cell network. Now, we’re too much of a simpleton to understand exactly how a cell-phone network works (probably an elaborate series of ziplines),
but we know we don’t want the iPhone 5 to merely settle for 4G technologies.
Apple innovates, damn it!
Luckily, sources tell us the iPhone 5 will also
be on a brand-new cellular network. Expect to never have to worry about poor
cell coverage or slow loading times on your web browser ever again. What you
will have to worry about are the long-term health effects of having such a powerful
cellular network in the palm of your hands (and near your genitals) all day.
Sure, cancer isn’t cool, but it’ll be worth it for four full bars, right?
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