Five Most Annoying Car Accessories

The South Florida International Auto Show speeds into town this week and you can be sure to find some of the baddest rides in the world at the Miami Beach Convention Center. Good bad, we mean. And that’s fitting, since South Florida is the epicenter of cool cars anywhere. Just take a drive through some of the poorest neighborhoods in town and check out what’s parked in front. The owners may not have enough money to pave the driveway or mow the lawn, but that won’t stop them from having a new BMW or Benz parked on the grass. But with the good, there is bad. And when it comes to auto fashion, there are some tacky, useless, and downright stupid trends. Some are new, some old, but they all scream, “I’m a moron. Check me out!”

1. Hanging balls
Nothing says “I’m a bad ass” better than having a huge pair of testicles hanging from a trailer hitch. On second thought, it more likely says “I’m unbelievably idiotic, but I do like my balls.” Though any balls hanging off your truck just look dumb, at least the brass ones refer to having “brass balls.” The fleshy, skin-colored ones? Those are just plain nasty.

2. Neon Lights That Only Lizards Can See

It’s hard to criticize this trend, since it says “Miami” like few other trends ever have. There’s a nice symmetry between the neon shining underneath all the cars in Miami and all the strip-club neon we have around town. We wonder if the same manufacturer is responsible for both.

3. Sports flags
We love supporting our sports teams in Florida, but do you have to fly those dumb ass window flags? The worse part is that they appear, almost instantaneously, immediately following wins by the respective teams. Conversely, they go away with losses. It’s as if the first thing fans do after getting off their asses after watching a three-and-a-half hour football game is run into their garage to put on or take off the flags. Read a book. Or even a People Magazine, you schmuck. Banners are for kids!

4. Spinning Hubcaps

There is a distinction between spinning rims and spinning hubcaps. Spinning rims are goofy, old news and generally make you look like a doofus. Spinning hub caps, on the other hand, that’s just bad form. It let’s the world know, “I have no style and no money.” And that just doesn’t fly in Miami.

5. Fake Bullet Holes

In Miami, you never know whether they are real bullet holes or fake ones, but if, upon closer inspection, they turn out to be phony, then we would suggest you pump their car full of real ones. No. That was just a joke. Don’t shoot anybody or anything. A simple key job will do the trick. Also, we never figured out why the next logical step to this trend – fake gun pointed out of car – never took hold like the bullet thing.