Don’t Be Afraid to Make Them Punt or Anything

The Patriots punted once in the entire game during yesterday’s 48-28 win over the Dolphins. Once. New England’s offense totaled 530 yards — the most the Dolphins defense has allowed since 1995. You could still catch brand new episodes of Seinfeld the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. Britney Spears had beautiful perky tits the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. We lived in a Linkin Park-free world the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards. The only thing getting screwed by our President was an intern’s face the last time the Dolphins allowed that many yards.

Then there’s Matt Cassel and his “When In Doubt, Chuck It To Randy” 400-yard performance. Yup, Matt Cassel has just put himself in prime position to be the next Scott Mitchell. And Randy Moss, he just did his thing. Mainly, that thing where he rides piggy-back on DBs and throws them to the side and catches the ball while the refs just watch with their whistles up their asses while they beg for him to plant his ballsack on their foreheads. Miami’s defense couldn’t stop the Pats short slants all day long. Nor did they have an answer for New England’s spread offense. Mainly because their offensive line treated our defensive line like Bill Parcells does a Christmas ham. Joey Porter talked some stupid shit about Mike Vick’s dogs, then talked more stupid shit about the Pats and then proceeded to do absolutely nothing outside of a couple of unsportsmanlike penalties. And the rest of the defense? Matt Roth: 2 tackles. Jason Ferguson: 1 tackle. Kendal Langford: 1 tackle. Porter: 1 tackle, Vonnie Holliday: 0.5  tackle. Move along. Nothing to see here.

Yet, thanks to Chad Pennington’s 341-yard, 3-touchdown performance, the

Dolphins had a chance to win this game. But then, with only 9 minutes

left to the game, everything imploded. Pennington throws a costly INT,

Channing Crowder gets ejected, Jake Long and Andre Goodman injure their

ankles, Ted Ginn suddenly remembers that he needed to meet his Suck

quota for the week and flat out refusing to catch a single pass, and

Greg Camarillo busts up his knee. Meanwhile, Ronnie Brown ends up with

a mere 10 carries for the game.

The few positives that can be taken from this game are Pennington’s

play, and the fact that this thing has returned to full-fledged rivalry

mode. We punched them in the mouth back in September, they punched

right back. Only they chose to punch during a crucial moment of the

season. The Dolphins just got a cold wet dose of reality thrown at

them. They’re good, but they’re a ways away from being great. First

step to greatness: forcing the opposing offense to punt every now and

then, for starters.

— Chris Joseph