It’s Not Funny. No, really!

We at Miami New Times missed the Foley boat. Like an itinerant hurricane, the electronic misadventures of Mark “Fingers” Foley blew north through Broward and Palm Beach Counties, leaving us out of the path of what ABC news has taken to calling “The Perfect Blogstorm.”

But you know what America? We’ve got to put our two cents in. Because if you were molested when you were a drunk little boy, then you would grow up to molest little boys when you got drunk too. That’s a scientific fact. It all makes sense —you’re just not thinking about it clearly.

There is nothing funny about a puritanical windbag being forced to resign after it was revealed that he was having electronic sex chats with kids on his congressional computer.

There was nothing funny about J. Edgar Hoover and his naughty love of women’s clothing, either.

And there’s just nothing funny about these.

Nor is it funny that Foley opened a family style restaurant called “the Lettuce Patch” with his mother when he was twenty years old. Or that he dated a dermatologist named Layne.

Representative Foley is going to be fine. He’s in good hands. They’re going to clean him up and get him a brand new tie. Fingers is gonna come back straighter and more conservative than ever. And when he does, we can all look back on this and have a good laugh… together.-Calvin Godfrey