New York Jets vs. Miami Dolphins

Dear New York: Shut up already. You’re a whiny bunch of nameless, aimless, gameless hacks. You couldn’t beat a cardboard cutout in a boxing match. You couldn’t best a bearded lady in a shaving contest. You couldn’t break a record if you dropped a crate of vinyl off the Empire State Building. You’re worse than pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters at a strip club. You’re lazier than Scrooge at a toy drive. You’re slower than a truck full of hippos with a tortoise at the wheel. You’re a poor excuse, a sunken ship, a platter short, an empty fridge. You’re a dusty box in a hoarder’s hallway. You’re a heap of scraps on a mountain of crap. You’re a pile of junk that’s not fit for a punk. You’re the nasty water in an old jar of mustard. You’re an errant booger flapping in society’s nostril, annoying all those who cross your path before floating off to your demise on an errant gust of wind.
And those are just a few reasons why the Miami Dolphins are gonna obliterate the New York Jets at Sun Life Stadium (347 Don Shula Dr., Miami Gardens) this Sunday. Kickoff is at 1 p.m., and tickets cost $50 to $650. Call 305-943-8000 or visit miamidolphins.com.

Sun., Dec. 28, 2014