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Dear New York,
Shut up already. You’re a whiney bunch of nameless, aimless, gameless hacks. You couldn’t beat a cardboard cutout in a boxing match. You couldn’t beat a bearded lady in a shaving contest. You couldn’t break a record if you dropped a crate of vinyl off the Empire State Building. You’re worse than pennies, nickels, dimes, and quarters at a strip club. You’re lazier than Uncle Scrooge at a toy drive. You’re slower than a truck full of hippos with a tortoise at the wheel. You’re a poor excuse, a sunken ship, a platter short, an empty fridge. You’re a dusty box in a hoarder’s hallway. You’re a heap of scraps on a mountain of crap. You’re a pile of junk that’s not fit for a punk. You’re the nasty water in an old jar of mustard. You’re an errant booger flapping in society’s nostril, annoying all those whose cross your path before floating off to your demise on an errant gust of wind.
And that’s just a few reasons why the Miami Dolphins are gonna obliterate your team at Sunlife Stadium (347 Don Shula Dr). Kickoff is at 1p.m. and tickets cost $50-$650. Call (305) 943-8000 and visit miamidolphins.com
Sun., Dec. 28, 1 p.m., 2014
