Lebron’s Back in Town

Cleveland was twice voted by people who currently live there as the worst city in America. Clevelanders hate Cleveland so much that their every cheer, hoot, and holler inversely reflects tears they’ve shed over their own shattered dreams. Cleveland is so sad that the city mascot is a tissue box, the city plant is a Sadbush, and the city’s number one vocation is professional depression. We can hardly blame them. Afterall, it snows ten months out of the year, the mayor lies more than a mattress demonstrator, and the sports teams lose more often than a drunkard stumbles. The only triple double Cleveland ever saw was made of vodka. And their only hope for a championship ring lies at the bottom of a pint of good Lager. They’re so desperate for a win, they’d kill their own dad, and sleep with their mom, but those Homers just don’t have an Odyssey in them to go Rex like Oedipus, plus they’re way too Sophocles. So the Heat are gonna stomp the Cavs out of their misery at American Airlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami).
Thu., Dec. 25, 5 p.m., 2014