Weak-End Wizards

The Washington Wizards are in rough shape. They couldn’t beat a one-armed man in a clapping contest. They couldn’t sink a three-point shot if it had six anchors and an anvil tied to it. They couldn’t make a play if their name were Shakespeare, move a basketball if it had wheels, or slam a dunk if it had a Swiss bank guarantee on it. To make things worse, they get winded quicker than a fart in an A/C vent. They jump like their socks are made of concrete. And they’re slower than a bag of turtles at a track meet. The only time they score is when a behind-the-back granny shot goes in. Their offense looks like it slid off the back of a fake tattoo in a Cracker Jack box. Their defense looks like an egg sandwich on a sidewalk. And their coach is so old he used to play ball with Jesus. These guys actually think they can beat the Miami Heat. Well, guess what, Wizards? There’s gonna be a showdown this Wednesday at AmericanAirlines Arena (601 Biscayne Blvd., Miami), and you’re invited to lose spectacularly. The game starts at 7:30 p.m. Tickets cost $20 to $375. Call 800-653-8000 or visit nba.com/heat.
Wed., Oct. 29, 7:30 p.m., 2014