Tickling Your Fancy (Neck)

It’s been a month since Movember washed down bathroom sinks to the relief of significant others and neighborhood parents everywhere. But the brave men and gender-role-thwarting women of B.O.M.B. (Brotherhood of Mustaches & Beards) are still going strong. At 7 p.m. this Saturday at Tobacco Road (626 S. Miami Ave., Miami), the third annual B.O.M.B. Beard and Mustache Competition will celebrate South Florida’s most architecturally daring facial hair in a 14-category showdown. All proceeds will go to the Miami Rescue Mission’s comprehensive support of the city’s needy and homeless populations. If the organizers somehow solve income inequality and the systemic ills of capitalism, it is entirely possible that any leftover cash will go to hair transplants for patchy-faced youths. According to group founder Brian Damaged, the group has three national champions in the sport, including “Jon Rice, our big-beard guy,” who won the freestyle category in 2011 for contorting his beard into something Damaged likens to a furry octopus. Other national champs include Damaged himself, who won in a goatee category (which he insists is not treated like Olympic speed walking: “All categories are taken seriously by each competitor”) and a guy who won best Amish beard despite not being Amish. Before charges of cultural appropriation begin to stick like a blanket-rubbed balloon to a beardo’s face, let it be clarified that the category simply means a beard with no mustache. Spectators are admitted free but are encouraged to make a donation. Entry into the competition costs $22 in all categories except “Most Creative Beard,” which need not actually sprout from your face, opening the competition to eunuchs, ladies, and grandmothers sitting next to us on the bus who have actually heard of tweezers.
Sat., Dec. 28, 7 p.m., 2013