Friday, October 8, 2010 at 9 a.m.
For tattoo virgins, popping the ink cherry is like having sex with a chubster
. Some experiences are good, and others you try and forget -- like that drunken night in Tijuana when you had a donkey tattooed on your ass to commemorate the vulgar sex show you witnessed.
Chances are the artist didn't want a bare, pimply ass in their face all night, but business is business and crap tattoos pay the bills too. The tattoo artist we consulted said, "As long as you've got the money to pay full price, I'm happy." Just like your neighborhood cyclist
, your tattoo artist had no problem opening up and discussing their top pet peeves.
1. Hi, how much is a tattoo?
Thanks for calling and interrupting me. Let me get this straight, you want a two-inch Tinker Bell on your fat, left thigh along with your best friend's name? How about you get off your lazy ass, drive to the shop, and I'll give you an estimate?
2. So $30 and we're good, right?
Listen, I already told you how much it costs to put my art on your body. If you want really want a $30 tattoo, I'll be happy to give you $30 quality. However, if you want a sick piece of art, stop being a cheap asshole and pay me what I'm worth.
3. Are these colors fading?
Your tattoo looks pretty damn good. The last time I checked, I'm the artist and you're the canvas. You want a retouch? Fine, but I'll have to recharge you. Maybe you should have used the SPF I suggested.
4. You think you know, but you have no idea.
The Last Supper in full color won't fit on your fucking wrist, man. Trust me, I'd love to take your money, but your idea is ridiculous. How about a flaming crucifix and we call it even?
5. This is a business, dress accordingly.
Obviously we're all about creative expression, but when you walk in here with your pants below your ass, showing 90% of your underwear, we don't like that. You look stupid and deserve to get beat-up by a baseball bat.
6. Is it cool if my friends watch?
It's definitely NOT cool, but if you want all your BFFs around to watch you scream like a bitch so they can rag on you the rest of your life, sure, bring them. Keep in mind, though, that if you move, you lose. Think twice before striking a pose for your Facebook profile picture while you're under my needle.
7. Hey, can you turn the music down?
Is the music is too loud in the shop? No shit, it's so I don't have to hear you whine and moan like a baby. If you promise to shut up, I'll play whatever you want...as long as it doesn't suck.
8. Can we have another smoke break?
You want to take another break, fine. The tattoo is only going to hurt more after that cigarette. Suck it up, buddy. I promise we're almost done.
9. What's that smell?
Please, if you want cherry lips above your lower lips, wash up. We'll let you use the bathroom as long as you need, even give you a brand new bar of soap. We also have plenty of douche bags but until your ready, I won't touch you. That goes for pits, feet, and stank B.O. in general. I'm about to spend the next couple hours with my nose mere inches from your sweaty flesh.
10. I love it, thanks.
I knew you'd love the tattoo, but do you also love your bartender? Cause you tip them and all they do is crack open a beer and pour a few drinks. I just spent hours tattooing a work of art on your flabby-ass body, and all I got was a handshake. You don't tip, fine, but I hope you contract hepatitis from a prostitute.