If We Did It

"A world without O.J. would smell a bit fresher"

If We Did It
Filed under: News

Rupert Murdoch, moral avatar? Well, not quite, but the News Corp. chairman did his best to extinguish the volcano of criticism that erupted over If I Did It, the O.J. Simpson book that almost was. Just when you thought Western civilization couldn't get any more depraved, the Aussie media baron pulled the plug on the Harper Collins book and the Fox television special that had been geared to promote it.

Judith Regan, the publisher whose sit-down interview with The Juice was set to bolster the network's sagging ratings at the tail end of November sweeps, had said she considered Simpson's opus to be his confession. Critics were induced to paroxysms of outraged retching, but the sad fact is that, before it was scuttled, presales of If I Did It launched the book into the Amazon.com Top 20 this past weekend.

Simpson came to grace the Magic City with his presence in 2000, buying a million-dollar home on the outskirts of Pinecrest and taking up residence on the local links. Lucky us. Thanks to state law, in spite of the $33.5 million civil judgment he has failed to pay the Goldman family, his house and his $25,000 monthly football pension are off-limits. Lucky him.

We here at Riptide have a confession of our own to make: When we heard about the book, we couldn't help wondering, Just what would it take to make this galloping goofball go away, once and for all?

Bearing in mind that Simpson seems harder to shake than a flesh-eating fungus and tougher to avoid than a case of the clap at a condom-free whorehouse, we spun a few scenarios. Mere fantasies, mind you, but if O.J. can muse on murder, why can't we?

• Remove the "Do Not Eat" silica packs from O.J.'s Bruno Magli shoes, cut the powder into fat lines, and make him snort them until every membrane in his body is sucked dry.

• Cast O.J. in Europa One, a sequel to Capricorn One, the 1978 flick in which a team of astronauts fakes a mission to Mars. This time the action is set on Europa, Jupiter's icy moon. Send O.J. to the "set" on a remote North Atlantic island, and leave his ass there to freeze to death.

• Lock O.J. in a shipping container plastered with full-length glamour shots of Fidel Castro and drive him down Calle Ocho after alerting every AR-15-toting exile in town that a "Get well, Fidel" package is being driven to the port. Once there, we'd float the container up to Cape Canaveral, load it on to a rocket ship, and fire it into the sun.

• Invite O.J. out for a round of golf at the La Gorce Country Club in Miami Beach. At the nineteenth hole, slip him a ketamine-laced can of Schlitz malt liquor, stuff him inside that ten-foot-high Afro he wore in Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult, and roll him down the fairway and into the back of an idling Ryder truck. Drive to the Everglades, transfer him to an airboat, tie marshmallows to the 'fro, drop him into the swamp, and let the gators dine on his Heisman Trophy-winning rump.

Bon voyage, fuck face.


See You in Hell

In a statement issued by his publicist, Satan responded:
This might get a couple of people off the hook. However, we still have brimstone suites reserved for anyone who authorized the publication, as well as people who preordered the book. They'll all have to do some serious charity work to get out of this one.

Posted by: PowellsBooks.BLOG (www.powells.com/blog)


Boycott the Bastards

O.J. is one of those guys that, when you read that someone "took him out" on the street, you would just say, "'Bout time," and the world would smell a bit fresher.

Posted by: Skrik at Monkeyfilter.com


Blame Judy

Let's not blame O.J. for this book. The blame properly falls on Judith Regan, the whoring, pimping publisher of O.J.'s book. Judith Regan is also the whore that famously fucked herself silly with Bernard Kerik in a rented apartment that was to be used for 9/11 rescue workers.

Posted by: fish tick at Monkeyfilter.com


A Sad State of Affairs

What is wrong with us as a people?

I find it just unbelievable that we would read or watch a show about how this creep killed two innocent people. Can you imagine how the Goldmans feel about this?

There are times when I feel ashamed of what goes on in this country. This is one of them.

Posted by: Lenny H. at Literary Diva (www.palmbeachpost.com/blogs/content/sharedblogs/palmbeach/swan)


Shut Up, Already

I can't imagine who would buy the book.... He should just be happy he got away with murder and quit bringing it up. Perhaps he is tired of searching for the "real" killers on golf courses across the nation.

Posted by: Oh Please at South Florida Sun-Sentinel Forum (www.topix.net/forum/source/south-florida-sun-sentinel)

 
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