Florida Grandmother Fails DUI Test in a Bikini
Illustration: Alvaro Ruben-Diaz
A lot of weird things happen in Florida every week, and each Friday we're here to bring you the weirdest. This week: intoxicated GILFs, snake kissing, naked jackings, and peeing in ice machines.
via Inside Edition
Bikini Clad Grandma Fails Roadside Sobriety Test
Naples, our ritzy neighbor across the Everglades, rarely makes it into WTF Florida, but when they do, boy is it worth it. This story is basically the result of a Floriduh Mad Libs in which the phrases "Bikini," "Hot Grandma," and "Wrecked BMW" were placed as the answers.
Last week, 49-year-old Patricia Ebel was behind the wheel of her black BMW when she crashed it into the back of a Ford Mustang. Deputies arrived and found the woman clad in a bikini with her 10-year-old grandson in the back. The pair had spent the day at the beach together, but apparently Grandma was indulging in some "special grandma juice" during the outing. Police asked the woman to take a field sobriety test which she promptly failed. Naturally the whole thing was caught on video.
photo via Facebook
Florida Man Bitten on Lips After Trying to Kiss a Snake
What happens when you try and kiss a snake? You get bit on the lips. That really should be the end of this story, and yet somehow there's even more stupidity in the details.
Eighteen-year-old Austin Hatfield of Wimuama, Florida, went swimming in the local swimming hole last week when he came across a four-foot water moccasin and decided to capture it. He then kept the snake in a pillowcase at his girlfriend's house. Hatfield was playing around with the snake, presumably a McCoy, and tried to kiss it. That's when the snake bit him on the lips.
Of course, moccasins are poisonous snakes and Hatfield was taken to a nearby hospital with a severely swollen face. He's now in stable condition, but could face charges.
Man Who Offered Naked Man Clothes Ends Up Almost Getting Carjacked
Try to give a man the shirt off your own back and he'll end up stealing your car. That's the old saying, right? At least it should be in Florida.
On Tuesday afternoon, Ganzo Keith Haynes, 32, was just walking completely nude down the street of a Gainesville neighborhood. At some point Haynes came across a man standing near a car who offered him some clothes, but when the Good Samaritan reached into his car to grab the clothes, Haynes started to choke him. He forced the man down to the ground and demanded his keys. Haynes, however, had a change of heart and decided to run off.
Haynes ended up being caught by police, and he told them that he was in the nude because he had been drinking, and that he only attacked the man because he started to unbuckle his own pants. Haynes was arrested on charges of carjacking.
Orange County Corrections
English Tourist Urinates in Hard Rock Hotel's Ice Machine
Before you get too freaked out, it was the Hard Rock Hotel in Orlando, not the Hard Rock Resort and Casino in Hollywood where you just wasted the check your grandparents sent you for your birthday.
A hotel guest alerted security that they had encountered another guest in the hallway very drunk on Tuesday. As it turns out, while security was en route, the intoxicated guest found an ice machine and decided to urinate into it. That's exactly when the security guard found the man, later identified as Andrew Wood of England. Yeah, they may have those classy accents, but they can be a very crude country.
The guard tried to ask Wood which room he was staying in so he could escort him back, but Wood refused and was combative. The guard called the real police, and they too tried to get Wood to return to his room and promise to stay the rest of the night there. Wood blew his second chance and was arrested on a charge of disorderly conduct in a public establishment.
In English slang this is called being on the piss, ending up legless, and making a total arse of oneself.