The Miami Heat took out the Toronto Raptors 102-96 in Game 1 of the Eastern Conference semifinal despite multiple efforts to shoot explosive diarrhea from a T-shirt cannon onto the bed and let it all slip away. But Dwyane Wade, Prince's all-time favorite NBA player, simply would not let this team wilt.
Wade, the badass war hammer of a basketball god, a hero immortal who pile-drives his enemies into submission with his smooth stroke and swift pick-and-roll drives, once again was the catalyst for a playoff victory. There he was again, Tuesday night, doing his thing, viciously cleaving his way through Raptors' heads and punching Toronto's collective crotch so hard that Drake puked out his spleen.
But there was one moment in the chaos of brain farts and vomiting in their pants in what was the lemon bootiest of all Heat playoff games ever that seemed to cement the victory for an otherwise sloppy Miami team.
And it wasn't even during the game: Wade giving an in-huddle speech to his teammates that melted their faces off their skulls and made them play kick-ass basketball at the same time.
After the Heat served up rectum sandwiches by committing a couple of neck-breaking turnovers, the Raptors' Kyle Lowry heaved up a shot with time running out and nailed the impossible three-pointer, sending the game into OT. This came after the Heat led by as many as ten points.
The shot seemed to suck the energy right out of the Heat and set up a possible Toronto run that would've let the Raptors steal Game 1. The odds of getting a win at this point was as good as the odds of Andy Elisburg spontaneously shooting lightning bolts from his asshole.
But then Dwyane Wade happened.
During a timeout, TNT cameras caught Wade reaming his teammates, pointing to his head, and yelling things that had to do with playing smarter and that it was enough already with all the sucking. It was like a speech by William Wallace, only with more expletives and way more awesomeness.
The way regulation ended in this game would cause most people to piss themselves and pass out. But Wade, who has seen a million battles and has left his share of heaps of bloody corpses in his wake since 2003, got his dudes together and told them to sack their shit up. It was time to stop screwing around.
"...Dwyane Wade is the best leader in the NBA." https://t.co/ChefBQh2jR— NBA TV (@NBATV) May 4, 2016
We've seen D-Wade devastate opponents so many times over the years with his on-court ability. Hell, we saw him do it to the Charlotte Hornets just a couple of days ago.
But here he did it by rallying his teammates and then going out there and laying waste of any hope the Raptors had of taking Game 1.
As he has so many times before, Wade once again put his age aside and went on the warpath on both ends of the floor.
In the end, when the Raptors were once again at the cusp of exploiting more mistakes by the Heat and within three points of forcing a second overtime, it was Wade with the ultimate enough-of-this-shit-already play that sealed the win for Miami.
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Dwyane Tyrone Wade, Jr. seals the deal in Toronto!— Miami HEAT (@MiamiHEAT) May 4, 2016