Ten Miami Guys You've Probably Dated
You've tried online dating. You've gotten fixed up by friends. You've gone home with someone on a whim. Somehow, you're still single. Is it you? Is it them?
How should you know? You're just a stranger out there in internetland. But we do know plenty of men in this city who fit certain stereotypes. And guess what? There is a good chance you are texting one of them right now.
See also: Ten Signs You've Lived in Miami Too Long
So, ladies, cancel your relationship advice book order from Amazon, because you aren't alone. Here are ten guys you have dated, dumped, or are hooking up with right this second.
10. Mr. You're on the List
Your friendship blossoms when he begins putting you on his list for free entry to the club. Then the invites to his table come. After a while, you and your friends start planning your nights around his schedule at LIV. With this relationship, the perks are great: not having to wait in line, endless beverages, and bragging about hanging out with the Kardashians. But when the stench of cigarette smoke won't leave your hair and you start debating whether you should join CrossFit or AA, it's over. O-v-e-r.
9. Mr. Start-Up
You like to think your man is an entrepreneur. Really, he might be one! You know: starting his own business in Wynwood, bringing his family's store to another city, etc. But more than likely, when he tells you is an entrepreneur, it's code for "unemployed and/or drug dealer."
8. Mr. Gay Guy
You know who we are talking about. And no, your gusband (gay husband) isn't him. We're talking about that guy from the rural South, the one who has born-again Christian parents and happens to love fashion. He doesn't just accidentally happen to reference Karl Lagerfeld or Beyoncé on a daily basis, honey: He is gay. Sure, he might end up marrying a woman. But sooner or later, that woman will catch him in a bathroom stall at Twist.
7. Mr. Just Here for the Weekend
He arrives Thursday and leaves Monday. He has never had a 305 area code or even thought about calling the Magic City home. He has no future as far as your life is concerned. But he sure is a great idea at the time, both inside and outside of his hotel room. Still, upon checkout, he is no longer an option. You might text here and there, but until spring break or the next business trip, he will just be a memory that makes you smile every time you drive by that hotel.
6. Mr. Forever Single
He's 40, single, childless, and has a 401k. He isn't just your dream man -- he is essentially Ken Doll perfect. But he is also George Clooney. This man can be found in occupations that usually keep him single: restaurant GM, club owner, or hotel manager. And yes, he will blame his career for the fact that he has never been married. But he also brings so many out-of-towners in and out of his penthouse that there is no need to ever put a ring on it. Maybe after retirement, so stay hopeful.
5. Mr. Mama's Boy
His love for his mother is endearing at first. If he loves his mama, he will know how to love you, right? Only if you love making his bed, washing his clothes, and putting dinner on the table. Because that's what he gets at his mama's house. There is just something about Miami culture that says it's OK to live with your parents till you're 37, and he is a big believer in that motto. Unless you're genuinely dreaming of a life of domestic servitude, run.
4. Mr. All About Balls
Did you see the game last night? Of course you did -- you're dating the biggest sports fanatic in the tri-county area. It's not that you aren't a Heat fan; you would have never dated Mr. All About Balls if that were the case. The problem is that he has made you watch every Heat, Dolphins, and Marlins game in or out of town -- you're on ESPN overload. Couldn't take off work for the Heat celebration parade? Yeah, we're going to go ahead and assume that is why you two broke up.
3. Mr. Import
You can spot an import much like a hunting dog sniffs out a kill. His Lacoste shirt is perfectly tucked into his khakis, and his skin resembles a sugar cookie. At first, it's fun to introduce him to new things. But his calling for directions will get old fast. After a while, he will start thinking you're a hot mess because you go out on a Tuesday. Well, that is because you are, but who is an import to judge?
2. Mr. Export
We all get sick of Miami, but the export is really over it. He has had enough of this heat and is ready to bounce. When? You aren't sure, but you begin to think about long distance and how you will make it work. Or how much longer you get to use the pool at his condo before he has to break his lease.
1. Mr. Brickell
The first thing that attracted you to him was his perfectly fitted Tom Ford suit. He's handsome, he's charming, he treats you well. But there is one thing wrong with Mr. Brickell: There is nothing wrong with him. His great job, his welcoming family, his adorable French bulldog, and his season tickets to the Heat are enough to make you forget one thing -- so much attractiveness cannot belong to just one girl. Honey, he definitely has both a girlfriend and a sidepiece. Maybe even two.
Get the Arts & Culture Newsletter
Find out about arts and culture events in Miami and offers you won't hear about anywhere else.