New Florida License Plates: Five Alternative Nominees

Your Florida license plate is about to become a collector's item. The venerable image of the orange and the words Sunshine State will soon be replaced by a new model. Starting this week, Floridians can vote online for their favorite new look. Unfortunately, the options provided by the DMV are more boring than driving the Turnpike.

So we thought we'd design some alternative options that represent our great state even better than the iconic orange. Vote for your favorite at miaminewtimes.com!

Design 1: "Florida: The Oxycodone State." Florida's economy is pretty simple: We get money from tourism, fishing, exorbitant highway tolls, and a running subsidy from America's Funniest Home Videos to supply the TV show with 50 percent of its content. But in South Florida, pill mills are still king. So why not honor their role in boosting the state economy? We'll even snag a motto from Road House: "Pain don't hurt."

Design 2: "Florida: America's Geriatric Alamo." Florida is chock full of two things: deadly weapons and people close to death. The elderly outnumber the rest of the state's population by roughly 40,000 to 1, and there are enough guns here to supply the world's militaries for a year. This license plate unites what are essentially the state's two mascots: old people and firearms.

Design 3: "Florida: The Hold-Your-Breath-on-Election-Night State." Admit it. It was pretty funny watching the rest of the country have an aneurysm as it feared Florida would again decide the presidential race. Our ignominious voting history is one Florida's defining traits. Let's celebrate our inability to master the insanely complicated task of filling in bubbles on a piece of paper with this plate, featuring a ballot being thrown into the garbage. Just know that your vote for this design will probably be lost or left in a box in a Broward elections office.

Design 4: "Florida: Cuba's 16th Province." In the rest of the United States, there aren't enough Cubans to start a baseball team. In Miami, there are so many cubanos you could form your own league. To that end, we commemorate our role as Latin America's Taiwan and stick it to Fidel in the process.

Design 5: "Florida: Proud Home of Bat Boy." You might have noticed that our governor, the esteemed Richard Scott, bears a passing resemblance to a certain supermarket tabloid icon. Bat Boy — or to use his full name, Batthew Boy — has been busy these past 20 years. He has terrorized children, run for governor in California, helped U.S. forces find Saddam Hussein, and bitten Santa Claus. But in his old age, he has retired to Florida to become an incompetent public official, and it's high time we honor him.

 
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