By Terrence McCoy
By Allie Conti
By Chuck Strouse
By Scott Fishman
By Terrence McCoy
By Ryan Yousefi
By Ciara LaVelle, Kat Bein, Carolina Del Busto, and Liz Tracy
By Pepe Billete
The best part about suspended City of Miami Commissioner Michelle Spence-Jones's preordained re-election to her vacated seat is this: She'll be able to make another acceptance speech. Her defiant diatribe a few weeks ago — when she took office moments before being cuffed and booked on grand theft charges — was an aficionado's delight: equal parts Sarah Palin, Rod Blagojevich, and Chad Ochocinco, topped off with a very generous sprinkling of co-opted scripture and infused with an extra syringe full of hyperbolic nonsense.
How can she possibly top herself? As a pregame primer, let's analyze some of the choice quotes from that dizzying first performance:
"Let's give it up for God!" If anybody in the audience was planning on booing Spence-Jones, this foiled it. Who can boo God?
"They had at least ten days since I was re-elected to tell me that they had something on Spence-Jones." Her masterful use of third person puts her in the same league as accomplished egomaniacs Joey Porter, Prince, and, of course, Richard Nixon. Recall Tricky Dick's famous growl in his final press conference as president: "You won't have Nixon to kick around anymore." We think Spence-Jones has a strategy here: She's setting us up for the second acceptance, in which she'll announce, "She stands by Michelle Spence-Jones through this embattled period," thus creating the illusion of a two-person quorum of support for herself. Genius!
"They don't know this nappy-headed child of God has her armor on." She somehow obliquely referenced Don Imus, the radio host who sparked outrage after he called the Rutgers female basketball squad "nappy-headed hoes" — thereby equating county prosecutors with the cowboy-hat-wearing schmuck. Jeez, it's like watching Michelangelo paint the Sistine Chapel ceiling without using a drop cloth. If she's looking for an obscure pop-culture racist to pseudo-mention in the next speech, may we suggest Michael Richards? Make Miamians equate Assistant State Attorney Richard Scruggs with a scary-livid Cosmo Kramer and he'll never again successfully indict a politician.
"I did not forge any letters or steal any money. As Don King would say, 'Only in America.'" OK, we don't really understand where she's going with this one. Is she saying people are falsely accused only in the USA? What about that movie where Richard Gere stands trial for murder in China? What about Jesus? Anyway, given that oft-sued promoter King is frequently blasted for stealing from the boxers who most trust him, Spence-Jones might want to leave his name out of the next speech.