By Chuck Strouse
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Drive through Hialeah and you'll see a billboard advertising reggaeton pioneer Daddy Yankee's cologne, which launched a couple of months ago. It got us thinking: Miami might be ground zero for the celebrity fragrance industry. After all, nothing says image-conscious excess — our national specialty — like paying $49 for a sleek three-ounce bottle of star-blessed ferret piss.
So we've reviewed a few of the scents hawked by local glitterati.
The stink: As far as we know, they're the world's only father and son to have fragrances. Insiders say both scents were modeled after the stage-thrown panties of lovelorn 40-year-old receptionists from Cleveland.
Its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "Baby, I want you to reveal what you feel, all you hold deep inside; there is nothing I want you to hide... Pero would you mind emptying my trash on your way out?"
The stink: Mixing the fragrances promoted by these two who-invited-them-anyway SoBe vacationers can cause an explosive chemical reaction resulting in litigious flesh wounds to clubgoers, as well as the shattered careers of any marginally famous pop rappers nearby.
Its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "I asked for the 1977 vintage, bitch! Do you know who I am? [gunshots, grunts, and squealing Lincoln Navigator tires] Don't worry, Shyne — we'll come back for you!"
DY, Daddy Yankee:
The stink: He endorsed McCain, remember? According to perfume blog Now Smell This, this "fruity marine fougère" WMDs the nostrils with "ozonic mist, apple, ginger, basil, sage, cedar, Brazilian redwood, suede, and amber" — which is Mitt Romney's entire diet.
Its presence in your medicine cabinet says: "If I accidentally get you pregnant, I will guilt you into having and secretly raising our love child by showing you grotesque blown-up photos of aborted fetuses."