It's pretty easy to make most dates happy on Valentine's Day -- meet him or her with some flowers or candy, then head for a fancy or trendy restaurant and proceed to have a wonderful candlelit meal, followed by a decadent dessert.
It takes more imagination, however, to plan the worst Valentine's Day ever. We're not sure why you would want to treat someone so terribly on the most romantic night of the year, but we're confident that if you take your date to any of these places, your relationship is doomed.
Chuck E. Cheese
Let's say your significant other has been dropping hints about biological clock ticking, babies, families and commitment and you're just not ready. Take her to Chuck E. Cheese, where the two of you can experience screaming children, crying babies and frustrated parents who are clearly one stop away from a mental breakdown. Challenge your lover to a game of air hockey or take a romantic dip in the ball pool. Share a pizza and don't skimp on the onions because there's no way you're getting laid tonight...or any other night. Remember - being around other people's children can be an effective form of birth control.
Chuck E. Cheese, 20335 Biscayne Blvd # L1, Miami; 305-936-0002
Burger King Whopper Bar
The economy's tight and a lot of people can't splurge for a $200, five-course Valentine's Day extravaganza. That said, DO NOT take her to a fast food restaurant - even if it (especially if it) serves beer. Burger King Whopper Bar is one of only a few in the country. Whopper Bar is basically a Burger King with a Whopper centric menu, where you can get your Whopper with special items from the "bar" (go fancy with bleu cheese or guacamole) and purchase a Bud or Bud Light to go with your Whopper. Whopper Bar - cool for frat boys - terrible for Valentine's Day.
Burger King Whopper Bar, 1101 Washington Avenue, Miami Beach; 305-673-4560
Coopertown Airboats and Restaurant
Dreading Valentine's Day because you haven't said "I love you" yet and he's expecting to hear those words? Problem solved when you take him on an airboat ride at Coopertown. The deafening roar of the airplane engines that power the damn things drown out any conversation whatsoever. Forget to give him the complimentary earplugs and you'll probably get another hour or two of temporary deafness as you dig into your romantic dinner of frog's legs and gator tail at the adjoining "Old Florida Style" restaurant.
Coopertown Airboats, 22700 SW 8th Street, Miami; 305-226-6048
Look, if you like the "lifestyle" that's fine by us. What we're saying is that Valentine's Day is probably not the best time to introduce your girlfriend to the wonderful wacky world of swinging. But, if you must, Miami Velvet is having a Valentine's Day party on February 12th. Titled "An Evening of Love, Lust & Sexiness", they're giving our roses, chocolate strawberries and condoms. Awwwww.....
Miami Velvet, 3901 NW 77th Avenue Miami; 305-406-1604
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Yes, you heard all about your wife's bachlorette party where she went to a strip club, got a lap dance from a hot stripper and tried out the pole with her friends. It was a hot story and you wish you could have been there. A lot of women think an evening at the strip club is fun (and it is), but not on Valentine's Day. If you do insist on taking her to a strip club (against the advice of even your douchiest of friends), at least take her to one where you can get her a meal to go with her $20 Bud Light. Tootsie's Cabaret features 250 of the most beautiful women, as well as a restaurant serving breakfast, lunch and dinner. For added fun, let your sweetie spin the "wheel of friction" for a chance to win free drinks and lap dances!
Tootsie's Cabaret, 150 NW 183rd Street, Miami; 305-651-5822