Waiter War Stories: Sex, Blood, and Money

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Front of the house restaurant workers have to deal with so many people and their personalities that they've usually got great stories about their experiences. All you gotta do is ask.

Short Order met a veteran restaurant worker who declined to give his real name for this interview. He asked to be referred to as Cleveland Steamer. He has worked as cook, server, busser, bar back, and "everything besides manager, but I did that once too for a minute."

Here are a few of his memories. They involve sex, blood and money. We won't use the restaurant names he gives because the stories are unconfirmed. We make no claim of authenticity on his allegations regarding public figures.

"I used to work at this restaurant on the Miami River. We used to catch people fucking in the bathroom all the time. All the time. Not the staff, we had places better that we'd go sneak off to, this was customers. It was a regular walk in bathroom with like a bunch of stalls.

This the same place Tim Hardaway used to come into all the time. He's cool as shit, not that type of don't bother me dude, very respectful. He'd always sit at the bar and order a shot of Patron and a Corona. He never got belligerent. Gary Payton, I can tell you he sucks as a tipper. Manolo, you know Manolo from Scarface, Steven Bauer, he's cool as shit too. Eric Spoelstra the coach for the heat, he's pretty cool.

I got a story for you. This fish place I used to work at years ago in South West Dade. I used to chill with my homie there that I worked with. We used to do pranks on each other like "antiquing," you know where you throw the flour on somebody, that's what we did for fun. Anyway, one day I hit him with a bunch of dishwater, the whole side of his body, he was a server so he had to go to his table soaking wet. He was pissed. He came back in the kitchen and kicked me square in the nuts. I hit the floor instantly, blacked out. When I finally got up I put a bunch of tobasco sauce on a paper towel and slapped him in the face with it. If you ever been slapped in the face with Tobasco that stuff burns, especially when it gets in your eye. He went to the bathroom crying to try and wash it off and ended up punching the mirror and breaking it. He came back in the kitchen still crying with his hand all cut. It left a scar that he still got. He gon' remember me. Last time I saw him he was all messed up on drugs. He's not doing too good."

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