Foodies -- they're like regular people, only more obnoxious and food-obsessed. Relax, we can say that -- we wear our douche-baguette card like a sad badge of honor that we would steal from a little old lady holding the last marble rye.
Sure, Julia Child may have said, "People who love to eat are always the best people," but perhaps she never tried dating them. It's tougher than an overcooked octopus tentacle.
Just in case there was any doubt, here are the top ten warning signs you're dating a foodie.
10. Reservations Replace Gifts
Whether it's Valentine's Day, New Year's Eve, Easter brunch, or your birthday, your gift will always be a reservation. Foodies will announce the party size and time slot like they scored the winning basket with five seconds on the clock. At any given time, they will know how many OpenTable points they have and what restaurants are the 1,000-pointers.
9. Constantly Chasing Food Trucks
Storm chasers and ambulance chasers have nothing on these mates. They probably joined Twitter to
stalk monitor their favorite trucks. They always keep track of the fourth Wednesday of the month for the food truck festival in North Beach and head there with an attack plan. Even though the fest launched only a few months ago, they will speak fondly about frequenting Latin Burger & Taco long before it was brick-and-mortar.
8. Has an Oral Fixation
According to Freud, a baby who wasn't nursed enough or was nursed too much can become an orally fixated adult. The foodie species likely has some of this residual need to occupy the mouth. This will most likely make them very good at oral sex. They will also refer to this activity as the appetizer. But as any true dining enthusiast will tell you, the appetizers are probably the best part of the menu.
7. Has Legit Diet Deal-Breakers
If you shared your special diet with your loved one and he or she strongly considered dumping you, that person is a foodie. Whether you are a vegan or gluten-intolerant, this one will somehow take it very personally and wonder if he or she can ever dine with you again. Even if he or she seems tolerant at the beginning, you are probably no longer marriage material. Sorry.
6. Even the Ice Has to be Locally Sourced
We can all understand the importance of local catches and working with local farms, but there's a limit. If your date asks, "Is the ice locally sourced and from what reservoir?" you have a big problem. Does this mate melt while talking about what the Regent Cocktail Club does with its ice? If so, imagine what he or she will do hearing about key limes or hogfish.
5. You Haven't Been to a Chain Restaurant in Months
The old ball-and-chain will never let you go to a chain restaurant. Sure, there's one fast-food place he or she frequents -- most likely Shake Shack. But you can kiss the days of Olive Garden and Chevy's goodbye. The endless pasta bowl is nonexistent, and now you know only what restaurants make homemade pasta for $27 a plate. For "good Mexican," you just had to venture all the way to Hallandale.
4. Every Program Recorded on the DVR has "Chef" in the Title
He or she is strongly considering befriending the Dalai Lama after Page Six just reported that Richard Gere is secretly dating Top Chef's Padma Lakshmi. The suspected foodie will point out which restaurants in Miami are associated with each cheftestant and on what season they participated. The knowledge is a mixture of a guide for a TMZ tour and a sports statistician.
3. You Can't Mention Nina Too Soon
Unless you want to see your foodie act all "straight outta Compton," don't bring up Nina Compton or the past season of Top Chef. More stable foodies might be able to say, "She was robbed" or "We still got fan favorite."
2. You Haven't Had a Hot Meal in Months
You forgot what piping-hot meals taste like. Your date has first dibs on all of your food, to photograph at every angle. The candle on the table is moved near your plate not to cast a better glow on you, but rather because a true foodie would never use flash on food. You feel like your food is a piece of meat, because it is, and because it is just there as a means to get likes on your date's Instagram account. You are also told what to order based on what will photograph best.
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SHOW ME HOW
1. Wants to Truss You Up
In an intimate moment, you express your secret bondage fantasy. Watch out -- the foodie sees this as an in to truss you like a chicken. He or she wants to follow the way Thomas Keller does it so effortlessly in that video where he roasts a patted-dry chicken with no oil or butter. Miraculously, the skin is crisp and the flesh moist. However, unlike Mr. Keller, the foodie will want to stuff the cavity with something more than salt and pepper.
Follow Carina on Twitter @CarinaOst