Film & TV

Top Chef Season 7: To Singapore, With Love, Episode 13

Photo by David Giesbrecht/Bravo
The final four Top Chef contestants.
So what do you get when you put a bunch of American chefs in Singapore? Confusion, apparently. Engrish, I can't readz!!! Everyone's favorite cocky bastard Angelo came in with guns ablazin' only to be cut down to size before the episode was over. But before I commence to count the numerous ways Angelo is the biggest pussy in Top Chef history, let's talk about the Quickfire Challenge.

(Cue the music.)

The contestants arrived to Singapore's take on the American mall food court, the hawker food center. The proclaimed king of Singapore street food, Seetoh, schooled the remaining four on the country's cuisine. Nothing looked pretty, but that was sort of the point. Unfortunately for them, they didn't foresee the reality show cliché -- when you think you are about to just enjoy your time there and take a brake, around the corner there is always a twist. Seriously, we're always surprised when contestants go, "I never expected that to happen!" Yea, then why did we see it coming a mile away?

Contestants were asked to cook their own version of street food using a wok. ZOMG! Apparently, nobody except Angelo and Ed have used a wok before. Angelo came in super-cocky basically saying he got this. But he didn't. He mainly bitched about how hot and humid it was. Also, all the ingredients on the table where labeled in funny scribbly whatchamacallits and stupid Americans can read it. Hahahaha! Kelly proclaimed she tastes everything before she cooks anyway so it wasn't much of an issue. Kevin, well he looked sort of lost -- like "What's a wok?" lost.

Photo by David Giesbrecht/Bravo
Bitching about the challenge isn't going to help you, Angelo.
Remember how Angelo had this in the bag? Well, someone forgot to tell Seetoh, who gave the Quickfire win -- and for the first time ever this close to the finals, immunity -- to Ed. To say Angelo was pissed is an understatement, but he brushed it off saying that immunity would have only made him lazy for the Elimination Challenge and he wanted to be on his A-game. Whatever you say, Angelo.

On to the Elimination Challenge where the contestants were asked to cook for a Food & Wine tasting event at the Hilton Hotel in Singapore. (This season has basically been one big advertising campaign for Hilton. Cue the close-up Hilton logo shots.) Eighty people were invited to attend, and the challenge was for the team to work together somehow but still make individual dishes -- yeah, so basically it was an individual challenge disguised as a team challenge.

Everyone agreed to make one dish. Well, everyone did until they got to the market and Ed, who didn't plan to coast by because of his immunity, decided to make two without telling anyone else. So when they went back to the kitchen to prep and Tom Colicchio asked everyone what they were doing and they barked back about only doing one dish, he said stop being such lazy motherfuckers and cook two dishes each 'cause Padma is hungry (we're paraphrasing). Ed chirped back, "I'm doing two," while the other contestants felt a sharp stab in the back and warm blood flowing out.

Still, everyone had it together, so putting out two dishes each didn't seem to be a problem. Problems only arrived when the wait staff marched into the kitchen only to be told how stupid they were. "Who wrote this ticket in Chinese?" Angelo said. Can't read the squiggly lines, y'all.  But when all was said and done, the food and service went smoothly for everyone.

Much like last week's episode, nobody did a bad job. In fact, during dinner service there wasn't a negative comment said. It was only at the judges' table that everyone got nit-picky. Angelo's spicy shrimp broth was too salty. Kelly's chilled cucumber-yogurt soup was grainy. Kevin's clam chowder wasn't spicy enough. Ed, on the other hand, was the judges' clear favorite. Gail Simmons wanted more of Ed's banana -- er, fritters. She only got two, but she wanted 20. (Is she pregnant?)

Photo by David Giesbrecht/Bravo
Angelo, the crybaby.
Ed easily won the challenge, and Angelo, fearing the worst, started crying. Kelly, who also thought she was going home, kept her composure. The whole time Padma talked slowly about who will be the next person to go, the camera was focused on Angelo's priceless watery eyes and flushed face. When Padma told Kelly to pack her knives and go, Angelo almost collapsed and started crying in relief. Pussy.

Funny thing is, during his one-on-one with the camera, he brushed it off like he's ready and knew he was going to stay. However, previews for next week's episode show Angelo too sick to get out of bed, while a doctor gets ready to stab him -- with a needle.

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Jose D. Duran is the associate editor of Miami New Times. He's the strategist behind the publication's eyebrow-raising Facebook and Twitter feeds. He has also been reporting on Miami's cultural scene since 2006. He has a BS in journalism and will live in Miami as long as climate change permits.
Contact: Jose D. Duran