Top 10 Ways To Ruin a Thanksgiving Turkey

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One time grandma's dentures got caught in the turkey drumstick she was eating at Thanksgiving dinner. She pointed at me with the drumstick for laughing, the teeth flew off the leg and hit me in the face. I still have the old lady's bite marks on my forehead. She had a hell of an arm. Thanksgiving is still my favorite holiday. Probably because funny disasters always happen. Don't let your turkey be one of them. Here's our top 10 ways to ruin a Thanksgiving turkey.

10. Forget to defrost it before cooking - Start off your day with a couple Bloody Marys and a some beers and it becomes an easy mistake to make. Cook a frozen turkey and you'll eat a frozen center. Remember to defrost your bird.

9. Improperly Deep Fry Your Turkey - Like crystal meth, deep fried turkey is delicious, but dangerous to make yourself and can lead to explosions. Don't fall victim to a deep fried turkey, or burn your house down trying to make one.

8. Overstuffing Your Turkey - This one is actually a health threat because an overstuffed turkey can mean undercooked stuffing or an overcooked bird. That can mean dangerous bacteria, cross contamination, and food sick guests from your dirty bird.

7. When you're tukey hunting, miss your kill shot - You can't cook your dinner if you can't kill it. Don't shoot the turkey while it struts, wait till it stops and looks up, give it a good cluck and it will. Aim for the point where the neck meets the breast, and remember that most shotguns shoot high.

6. Carve it while drunk, cut off your finger - Some people eat turkey with their hands, but that doesn't make it finger food, at least not the bloody kind. Many folks enjoy drinking on Thanksgiving, don't ruin the turkey by having a few too many, cutting yourself and bleeding all over the bird. Practice carving safety.

5. Trying to Smoke Your Own Turkey - Lighting a joint and putting it in a turkey's mouth doesn't make it a smoked turkey. Neither does taking the joint back and blowing the smoke all over the bird. Don't even get us started on why it's a bad idea to take cooked turkey shavings and roll a joint with them. Don't get into turkey smoking if it's the day before thanksgiving and you've never done it before.

4. Impatient Carving - You gotta let your turkey rest for about a half an hour before you start cutting it. Letting your turkey rest will allow the juices to soak into the meat. Impatient carving will ruin your turkey by giving it that dry quality most people hate.

3. Screwtop on the chili powder loose and falls off - Make sure you don't overseason your bird, and burn your family's tongues off. Got any family members with an axe to grind that would love to see you fail at cooking the Thanksgiving turkey? Check your salt, pepper, and all other seasonings to make sure they didn't sabotage them.

2. Cook when you're sick with Swine Flu - It starts with a sneeze, you think your nose is running, but it's snot. Next thing you know you're elbow deep stuffing breadcrumbs up a birds ass and it's all you can do to stop from sneezing all over the place. You manage to cook the turkey and hopefully roast out the germs, but when you carve and serve your Thanksgiving Turkey it's got more swine flu on it than smallpox on a pilgrim's blanket. Keep that sanitizer on deck.

And our number one way to ruin a turkey is...

1. Surprise your meat-eating family with vegan substitute products - Nothing will turn your Thanksgiving into a Chinese food and pizza night faster.

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