The South Beach Wine & Food Festival is almost here, and that means an orgiastic horde of mostly out-of-town drunks on the shores of Miami Beach concerned with nothing but food, drink, sex, celebrity, their cell phone cameras, and Twitter.
With that in mind, here's our Top 10 list of hypothetical disasters that could mar the otherwise wholesome and spotless public images of your favorite TV food personalities. This is a parody.
10. Paula Deen and Guy Fieri Make a Sex Tape
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9. The Neelys' Drunken Quarrel on Ocean Drive
It all starts when Pat Neely catches Gina giving out her phone number to the bouncer at Club Mansion.
Later, they're crossing Ocean Drive to get to the beach and he snags her phone, checks the outgoing text messages, and sees something about a slice of that sweet potato pie.
The Neelys go off on each other in our beautiful Miami light that cameras love as a crowd of tourists gathers to post it all online in a matter of minutes.
Catch the Neelys live at the Whole Foods Grand Tasting Village.
8. Anthony Bourdain Punches a Cop
So Anthony Bourdain shouldn't be drunk-driving a rental scooter with a bikini girl on his lap and a skateboarder hanging on to the bumper when he double--parks in front of a fire hydrant.
He shouldn't have crossed the bridge to Overtown and scored a bag of coke either.
But that doesn't mean he wouldn't hypothetically punch a Miami Beach cop in the nose for not letting him off the hook.
If any of that stuff does happen, he should definitely say, "I'm Anthony Bourdain, bitch! That's how I roll."
7. Rachael Ray Goes Sunbathing This is 2010. What happens on South Beach does not stay on South Beach; it hits the Internet running and doesn't stop.
Which isn't to say that Rachael Ray topless-sunbathing pictures would be a disaster. In fact, millions of people would love to see her hoo-hahs.
But if she doesn't wanna get caught in the act, she better have a better plan than a hat over her eyes, because the flash-bulbers will most definitely be on her tail all weekend.
6. Bobby Flay Caught With Booger Flapping in His Nose
There's a certain kind of booger called a flapper. It's kind of stringy, kind of solid. One end stays glommed onto the inside of your nostril; the other hangs loose.
Every breath you take sends it flapping in the breeze.
Wouldn't it be hilarious if Bobby Flay had a flapper during a cooking demo and it got caught on camera in high-definition video?
Yes, yes, it would.
5. Emeril Farts Really Loudly During Speech
This year, Emeril Lagasse is the host of the Perrier-Jouët BubbleQ, a highfalutin event at the Delano featuring lots of grilled meats and champagne.
We're guessing that throughout the festivities, Emeril will get on the mike and say funny stuff that people will stop and take pictures of.
We're pretty sure that at some point in the night, the entire crowd will go silent as it waits for some especially poignant observation from the famous chef.
Just then, Emeril will rip the meanest, stankest, wettest, loudest fart imaginable -- just one -- with a squeak-by aftershock, and it will make for the most incredible images ever captured of the guy.
4. Sandra Lee Redefines String Bikini
Maybe the morning after she hosts Cocktail Time With Sandra Lee at Versace's old mansion, Casa Casuarina, and gives away her "best-dressed award" to one lucky guest, Sandra decides to take a dip in the ocean.
Afterward, she luxuriates on a beach chair and dozes into a peaceful slumber.
When she wakes up, she's surrounded by photographers and tourists taking pictures of the tampon string hanging out the side of her bikini bottom.
3. Duff Goldman Drops Giant Cake on Diabetics
Picture a Boca Raton nursing home's diabetic activities club taking a field trip to South Beach for the Wine & Food Festival.
Their leader, Marjorie, sets her eyeglass case on a stage as she turns around to do a head count.
Cake expert Duff Goldman is walking across the stage holding a giant cake, slips on the eyeglass case, and sends his monster flying in the air. It lands on all the old people.
He tries to salvage the situation for a photo op, offers 98-year-old Bernice a handful of frosting, and immediately sends her into a sugar coma.
2. Lidia Bastianich Matticchio Caught by Italian Network Television Trashing Americans
Lidia Bastianich can teach anybody how to cook great Italian food at the Barrilla Interactive Dinner at the Biltmore Hotel's Grand Ballroom in Coral Gables.
But there's an exception to every rule, and some Americans live up to all the negative stereotypes that the rest of the world hates us for.
So Lidia, speaking Italian, lets off some steam about the idiot to another Italian, who happens to be a reporter with a recorder.
Media chaos ensues.
1. Paula Deen's Pants Fall Down Live Onstage During a Cooking Demo
Oh yeah, that already happened. Can't wait for this year's festival. Visit sobefest.com to see what events still have tickets available.