The Critic: Musing On The Dock Of The Bay

  • Hint on how to avoid bad Miami restaurants: Take a look at the dessert menu before taking a seat. If it's a compilation of Key lime pie, tiramisu, molten chocolate cake, and the other ubiquitous treats, politely excuse yourself and go somewhere else to eat. After all, there are hundreds if not thousands of recipes out there for fabulous desserts that are not currently being offered by other local restaurants. If the ownership/management/chef didn't spend five minutes to research and consider a single one of these, they probably haven't given much thought to the rest of the food either.
  • Hint on how to avoid bad music in Miami restaurants: Ear plugs.
  • Maybe it's just a coincidence, but...Short Order hammered away at The Miami Herald's "Supermarket Sleuth", a weekly column in the papers' nutrition section, and it hasn't been seen in the three weeks since.
  • Note to self: Remember to write blog mocking columns by Jackie "Mal" Sousa and Glenn "Mussolini" Garvin.
  • Hint on how to avoid frostbite in Miami restaurants: Earmuffs, mittens, and thick wool socks.
  • Hint on how to avoid insincerely friendly salutations from hosts and hostesses in Miami restaurants: You just have to get lucky, although entering the establishment wearing a menacing sneer on your face generally helps dial down the fake chirpiness a tad.
  • I figure that over the past decade I've averaged an annual intake of about ten Key lime pies, tiramisu, and molten chocolate cakes apiece -- adding up to a hundred of each. My summation: With some exceptions, the vaguely-counted-yet-ultimately-countless renditions of the three all tasted pretty much the same.

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Miami New Times' restaurant reviewer for the past decade, and the world's indisputable master of disguise.
Contact: Lee Klein