Neighborhood Joints

The Burger Beast's Miami Burger Tour in Funny Quotes

When the inevitable German tourists climb aboard a Miami Tour Company bus today for a trek around Dade, they might catch a faint whiff of the meat sweats.

Last night, the Burger Beast's inaugural Burger Tour shuttled 25 passengers among Taurus in the Grove, the Filling Station downtown, and Burger & Beer Joint in Miami Beach for food, laughs, and a T-shirt.

The crew ranged from fine diners to fast-fooders to home cookers -- empirical evidence that everyone indeed loves burgers. At the end of the night, consensus was that Taurus was best overall (edging out competition with its truffle fries); the Filling Station had the best, most personable staff; and Burger & Beer Joint was fun but served up an unfortunate platter of cold food.

Here are some funny quotes from the night.

"I'm gonna put this in my pocket. I'm gonna hang these pants up and in a year see what's in them."
- Burger Beast (talking about the last burger that nobody wanted.)

"I think the concept is fuckin' brilliant."
- Patrick Montesano

"Tater tots? I hate tater tots. In elementary school, I used to trade them for chocolate milk."
- The Caveman

"I haven't eaten yet... too stressed out. I'm gonna get some real food on the way home... some McDonald's."
-The Burger Beast on not having eaten

"Beast, you need to do a strip club burger tour. Yeah, burgers and boobies. Hooters and cooters. Tootsie's wins."
- Burger Beast's Cast of Characters and tour bus driver

"Next, we're gonna make aprons. After that, booty shorts; they're gonna say "Burger" on one cheek and "Beast: on the other."
- Burger Beast

"My mom wanted to go on the tour. I told her there was no room and the tickets were sold out."
- Burger Beast

"We were gonna do a burger crawl... Imagine Cannonball Run but with burgers."
- Burger Beast

"I came here for the press, but he [the Burger Beast] gets it all."
- ER Gagit

"I just had my third burger and it's 10 o'clock at night. They're gonna have to fuckin' wheel me out of here."
- Steve Blind Mind

"Back in 1987 -- I'll never forget it -- I saw this gangster's girlfriend stab a cop who was breaking up a fight." 

"What happened to the cop?"

"He died and they named the street after him."

"That's some gangster-ass shit."
- Carlos Miller and Gus from Miami Beach 411

"I'm gonna have a hard time getting up tomorrow. I'm all full of burger."
- Steve Blind Mind

"I wasn't crazy about any of the burgers."
- ER Gagit

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Jacob Katel
Contact: Jacob Katel