Ten Worst Foodie Christmas Tree Ornaments, Epic Fails

There are a lot of stupid niche markets that get exploited by crafty entrepreneurs come holiday season, but maybe the stupidest one we've seen yet is for foodie Christmas ornaments. They're not cute, or funny, and we don't know what kind of inbred, backwater, shit hole town you grew up in, but food items rendered in glass, ceramic, and resin don't have any place on a Christmas tree. By the way, Bah! and Humbug to all of you. We'll be going back to our cave to drink malt liquor, smoke weed and play video games now. Here are the ten worst foodie Christmas ornaments.

10. Eggplant

Invented when a Christmas ornament factory owner figured out how to offload all those defective spheres. If you bought this you are an idiot.

9. Sushi Roll

Is it just us, or does that look more like a shiny chunk of turtle shit than anything else. Why's it make us hungry?

8. Sub Sandwich

When we were little our older cousin left one of these on a deli tray at a family party. We ate it. The whole thing. In one bite. You ever spit blood on a white dress in the front pew of church at Christmas Mass? Let's just say exorcisms are more fun to watch on tv.

7. Pretzel

This is about as nice to look at as a bag full of ass warts. Refund!

6. Margarita

When your gay uncle is just not gay enough.

5. Donut

Ever seen a really old hooker bend over?

4. Chocolate Chip Cookie

Gives a whole new meaning to "Dookie Chain." Put your manager on the line.

3. BBQ Grill

OK! We get it. You like barbecue. Enough is enough. Do you seriously have to collect every shithead piece of barbecue junk on the market? Really?

2. Beer Barrel

If you actually liked beer you'd be spending your money buying it to drink instead of being the type of loser to put it on your Christmas tree.

1. Bud Light Bottle Cap

And just when you thought that proud-to-be Bud Light drinkers couldn't get any lamer, along came this.

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Jacob Katel
Contact: Jacob Katel